Marriage Mondays ~ Fight, Flight, Forgive?

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Did you watch the United States vs. Canada in Olympic hockey Sunday night? I have friends who are hockey lovers, but my one and only live hockey game was ... well, traumatic. Somewhere between the bloody faces smashed against the glass in front of me and the woman knocked out by a flying puck behind me, I decided it just wasn't my thing. ;) I know, I know... Some of you will tell me I'm missing so much excitement. Maybe I'll try again someday. But I can watch it from the safety of my living room, which is good ... and no one's front tooth will end up in my popcorn box. ;) One thing I remember though: it only takes one push or punch or undercut to stir up a major fight and end in disaster!

Marriage is like hockey. No one thinks that when they walk the aisle of matrimony and take their vows, but some couples will face a horrible moment in life together when betrayal is committed and their commitment to each other receives a punch sending some into a horrible fight that may end in disaster. I'm not talking about forgetting a birthday or interrupting a football game or leaving socks in the floor. I'm talking about the deep pain experienced when one discovers there has been unfaithfulness like an attack, bringing up walls of protection and defense.

Every couple experiences stress, disappointment, and offense requiring grace and forgiveness. Jeff and I have had the opportunity to counsel many couples who have gone to painful places, though, when one partner becomes aware they have been deceived. It is a moment of decision, and so much of their future together depends on whether the couple chooses fight, flight, or forgiveness.

When a couple is sharing the painful unfolding of betrayal, it visibly hurts them to get out the story, to share it out loud and to accept it is their story. They need grace, wisdom, compassion, truth, and time. The danger is that when we feel emotionally punched and our trust is slammed up against a wall, the instinct of our flesh is to fight or to run. We do not have the instinct to forgive; that has to be a God thing.

I've seen the anguish in the eyes of a spouse as they wrestle with wanting to lash out and protect what they have left, all the while wanting to just point an angry finger and run away, hoping people will surely understand. The Deceiver wants us to believe that if we just get away, we will untangle ourselves from the hurt and pain. The Deceiver wants us to believe that if we fight back we can prevent more wounds from occurring. The hardest thing of all is to stay and to work out the forgiveness and healing that is required. Forgiveness.

Some people marry and live in fear of being betrayed, finding a spouse has had an affair or been unfaithful, but "Perfect love casts out fear," 1 John 4:18.

It would be so wonderful if all we have to do is say "Okay" in response to the invitation to"Come, have a peace." But when we find our life slammed up against the wall, like we've been hit with a crushing blow, it takes commitment to turn to Christ and let Him bring peace to the ugly mess our humanness can bring to the divine relationship of marriage. Can you have peace in the midst of and after the horrible pain of a marital betrayal?

John 16:33

... in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

If you or someone you know has found yourself against a wall in marital betrayal:

• resist the urge to fight .... commit to finding peace
  
• be truthful about running away .... only in Christ do we find help and healing
• use God's weapons to battle the circumstances ... Ephesians 6:13
  
• allow God to use wise counselors to support and guide you ... Proverbs 24:5-7
• forgiveness is only possible when we focus on how much we have been forgiven ... James 4:6

There will be a lot of hockey this week. Players will be punched and pushed and slammed up against the wall. Will you be watching? I pray that if you're spending Marriage Mondays with me, we'll be ready to return the challenges of marriages with determination to resist the urge to fight or flee when we're hurt, but committed to be people of forgiveness.

Marriage Mondays ~ Icy Conditions

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Congratulations to Cindy Bultema who won the copy of Lysa TerKeurst's new book from the weekend giveaway!

How many of us watched the doppler radar maps in the last week? I heard every state in the US had snow last week, except for Hawaii. That's amazing! Watching a cold front approach gives us warning we need, so we can run out to buy .... milk and bread of course! Rent a movie, bring in wood, get a full tank of gas, and plan to snuggle up and warm up to fight off the cold. No one wants to just fail to act and turn into an icicle!

There's no doubt icy conditions can be as dangerous or more dangerous, though, than snow. It's often develops gradually, almost silently, and its appearance can even be deceptively beautiful. It begins so small, but it ends so treacherously.

Icy conditions in marriage are the same. A "cold front" may move into a relationship with clouds forming from disappointment, hurt, confusion, or insecurity. When it's sudden, it can be like what the Weather Channel called "February Fury," but most of the time it's rather gradual. At some point one spouse decides to "ice over" instead of warming up. Have you ever been there? It's not always a conscious decision. If you find yourself guarding your "space" in bed at night, maintaining and invisible boundary while in worship together, resisting eye contact, answering with the fewest words, or only talking about things you could talk about with your cable guy, the doppler map would classify you as under icy conditions. In 20 years of marriage, I know what it feels like to be the spirit of winter herself or to feel like I need to grab my long johns. Sometimes a cold front builds over time as we ignore issues between us and accumulate a season of pain.

So if you know you're there, how do you take a step to change the climate? Icy conditions usually indicate a bigger issue: you're going to have to communicate to get to the nitty gritty. Don't think it's worth it? How do you feel about you on a beach with a blue sky and warm sand between your toes? I LOVE that image! I'm there! Now hold that thought ;) Here's how to start:

• communicate ... someone has to go first


• get out that extra blanket of kindness, understanding, patience, and forgiveness


• touch each other ... again, someone has to go first. MOVE OVER on the pew, reach a hand to your loved one, just take one step into their space, or act like your bed is a double ;)


• think about love languages and then express love so your loved one gets the message (gifts? words? touch? time?)

Many of us admit we are anxious for the warm sunshine and fresh wind of spring; that's what prolonged icy conditions leave us longing for. If we're experiencing a frosty climate in our love relationships, it's time to melt the cold, bringing back the safety and peace that comes when one goes first to help restore the warmth.

Two excellent resources to encourage you in pursuing a peaceful marriage this week:

• Melanie Chitwood of Proverbs 31 is hosting a conference call for Thursday 3/18 and 3/25 focusing on "Building a Marriage that will Last a Lifetime". Find info about how to participate here.


• Tracie Miles (also of P31) is hosting 2 weeks of a marriage challenge about Loving, Respecting, Admiring our mate. Check out the description here. And notice the picture on Tracie's blog header.
  

Now if conditions in your marriage are icy, go ahead ... make eye contact (and hold it there), hold hands, move over in bed, smile at each other, and wrap your partner in the same grace that covers you. Enjoy watching the clouds part as the Son's warmth moves in! The beach is waiting ....

Marriage Mondays ~ Imperfect Us, Perfect Grace

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There have been many events I have not documented in our family photo albums. When 2 imperfect people try to do life together in an imperfect world, you end up with a lot of moments needing a lot of GRACE.

I am an imperfect gal married to an imperfect man. We have both been called on to extend grace to each other many times during our nearly 20 years of wedded bliss. So many images rush to my mind .....

• ... like the time I dented both of our cars in the same accident in our own driveway
• ... or the time I banged on the window and yelled, "Run, Mr. Groundhog, run!" just before Jeff was about to exterminate the rodent (very cute rodent) for $10 (that we needed very badly) for our evil landlord :)
• ... or the time I bought $100 worth of meat with my dear friend (whom I will not tattle on), only to discover we'd been swindled and had to find the man and return said swindled beef
  
• ... or the time I had to call Jeff to get the car "down" off of the curb it was teetering over
  
• ... or the time we drove all over Salt Lake City, because I was navigating
• ... or the fact Jeff has probably had to wear pinkish briefs to the gym more than once when I was doing "speed laundry"

I sound hard to love sometimes, don't I? I like to think of it as giving my hubby many opportunities to practice grace. ;) He has extended much grace to me, because he knows he has received much himself. Our mate's imperfections, acted out over and over in the days and nights of married life, are reminders of how much grace we have been given by our Heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus. Grace is when we receive favor and love we don't necessarily deserve; it is closely akin to mercy, and it needs to be poured over every day of marriage like hot fudge over vanilla ice cream.

Do you think you're the perfect spouse? Have you ever said you wanted a perfect spouse? I'm so glad Jeff is NOT perfect. If he was ...

• ... I bet I wouldn't like him very much
• ... he would be so proud, and I would NOT love to spend time with him
• ... he would expect ME to be perfect, and that's a recipe for disaster
• ... our kids would feel impossible expectations to be perfect, and that just leads to therapy ;)
• ... he wouldn't live like he's a man in need of grace

Ephesians 2:4-8

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved ... in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

Grace from God is perfect, and it flows from us to each other (1 John 4:17-21). In marriage, we give INITIAL GRACE when we choose to accept each other as we are. We give DAILY GRACE as we choose to keep loving and lifting, despite our imperfections. That takes divine enablement.

Only God's perfect grace can enable an imperfect wife to love her imperfect husband in their imperfect life. (and the other way around)

But it IS possible, because it depends on the Spirit's power in an obedient life, not on my imperfect love. With so many unknowns about our lives together, here's one thing you can consider money in the bank: You will still be imperfect the rest of your days, and your spouse is never going to be perfect either. So now that we've cleared that up, we can focus on living with "imperfect us" by God's "perfect grace."

Dear God,

Help me to be known by the grace I am generous and quick to extend. Help me to see myself as one who has been given much understanding for my failures, teaching me and enabling me by your Spirit to have a deep reservoir of grace ready to pour out on my loved one who is also still growing and learning. Thank you for choosing to give me grace; increase my understanding so I will live in gratitude for your gift.

If you would like to join me on this Marriage Monday by sharing a post to encourage others in the miracle of marriage, click on the MckLinky below to leave your address, please mention Marriage Mondays & link in your post, and then leave a comment. I'm glad to have you on the marriage journey with me!

Marriage Mondays ~ Sickness & Health

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Some modern vows delete it, but most who wear wedding bands promised it "in the presence of these witnesses." You know the part ... "in sickness and in health." Few think of the likelihood of experiencing sickness, physical or emotional, in married life. It's inevitable, though, that infirmity will strike during life together and may range from stomach flu to kidney stones to long term or terminal illness to depression and anxiety. It's hard to live out our vows "in sickness and in health."

I remember feeling like it was going to be no problem for me when Jeff was "my patient" for the first time. First time taking care of a sick man ... mercy! One would think that Plague had resurfaced. I was Florence Nightengale reincarnated. I admit that I did laugh when he asked for comic books in a voice that made me wonder if he would live long enough to read them ... but I complied!

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of listening to an elderly lady, battling with cancer, talk about what an amazing man her husband of nearly 48 years is. With the smile of a girl in love, she said that he has cared for her physical and emotional needs with tenderness and attention, though most would only know him as a rather gruff guy with a bold tongue. After nearly half a century, she is more smitten than ever for her husband who has been faithful "in sickness and in health."

In all of our time spent with couples, we hear many stories about the challenges that come with weakness, and we can't spend life together without seeing "the sick" in our spouse. This often comes in the form of emotional weakness, as the "stronger" spouse is called on to hold up the one in need. Thankfully, we don't often hit bottom at the same time, allowing one to support the other. Sometimes the husband is the strong shoulder for his wife, and sometimes the wife is the strong spirit for her husband. We serve and love one another "in sickness and in health." Love like that is described in 1 Corinthians 13 as love that perseveres and doesn't fail. Love like that is only possible through God's enablement and His Holy Spirit in us. In our own flesh, our shallow love wears out.

I listened as a young wife carefully shared the burdens of marriage that arose shortly after the wedding day, both physical and emotional. The heaviness on her was obvious. She needed to know that other sisters in Christ would stand with her as she struggles to be faithful, to work hard, and to persevere in her compassion and commitment to her husband. "In sickness and in health" is not always easy.

Eccl. 4:10

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

How about you? Has wedded bliss included some sickness? Some health? Have you watched another couple work out their love when it was hard? Did you have to go out for comic books? :) There's no doubt that much of married life happens in hard places, but God promises us His strength to "love it out" ... in sickness or in health.


If you would like to join me on this Marriage Monday by sharing a post to encourage others in the miracle of marriage, click on the MckLinky below to leave your address, please mention Marriage Mondays & link in your post, and then leave a comment. I'm glad to have you on the marriage journey with me!

Be Blessed! Been Blessed?

This week on Marriage Mondays I shared a list of books that are excellent encouragement for married couples. Those who commented that day were entered to win a copy of Lysa TerKeurst's books, Capture His Heart/Capture Her Heart. Chosen by random.org, the winner is ...... Mrs. Addison! Congratulations. Just send me your mailing address, and I will pop those two books into the mail for you in time for Valentine's Day.

Have you been blessed by a blog you read this year? I have learned much and enjoyed "meeting" some bloggers out there who are truly using their gifts to glorify God. You can nominate and vote for Christian blogs that have been a source of encouragement, help, and inspiration to you this past year. Spread the word about what has blessed you by going to the Internet Cafe and vote for the "Blessed Aroma 2009."

Share your blessings at the Internet Cafe here.

Marriage Mondays ~ Books to Bless

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Welcome to a Marriage Monday! Yesterday at our house I had to wonder if I should build a boat ... rain poured ALL day long. It was a great day for cozy things like napping or reading a book that blesses. So today I thought I would share some of my favorite marriage books; I would love for you to leave a comment and share yours. And if you do leave a comment today, you will be entered to win a copy of the books by Lysa TerKeurst that start my list. I will announce the winner on Friday!

• Capture Her Heart (for the Hubbies) and Capture His Heart (for the Wives) by Lysa TerKeurst
• Letters to Karen and Letters to Phillip by Charlie W. Shedd (This is older, but a gem!)
  
• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
• Becoming the Woman of His Dreams by Sharon Jaynes
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Nightlight - A Devotional for Couples by Dr. James Dobson
  

Another blog sharing in Marriage Mondays is written by Melanie Chitwood, author of What a Husband Needs from His Wife. Melanie's latest book was just released and sounds like an excellent read: What a Wife Needs from Her Husband.

There's no substitute for reading what God's Word has to say about marriage, but books written by those who use the Bible as our guide for living can be a help and encouragement in the adventure of married life. And it doesn't even have to be raining to take time to open a solid book on wedded bliss to be blessed! ;)

If you have a favorite marriage book you've read, please share for all to see, and remember that you will be entered to win copies of Lysa's books when you leave a comment.

If you would like to join me on this Marriage Monday by sharing a post to encourage others in the miracle of marriage, click on the MckLinky below to leave your address, please mention Marriage Mondays & link in your post, and then leave a comment. You are welcome to copy and paste the Marriage Mondays logo onto your post. I'm glad to have you on the marriage journey with me!

Marriage Mondays ~ Dumpster Diving

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Before my bouquet had dried or the wedding cake topper had developed freezer burn, it happened.

Jeff had carefully saved pennies for months (literally), worked extra jobs, and planned every detail so we could have a great honeymoon. We drove our used Honda Accord up the east coast to a serene lake in Maine, to a white cottage with green shutters and moss on the roof. Our hearts were so full, even if our pockets were not. It was heaven.

We took a day to drive to the coastal town of Freeport, home of LLBean, where my beaming new hubby presented me with $50 he had chipmunked away for each of us to buy something "fun." He tried on sunglasses while I stood there wringing my hands, thinking ... thinking about how poor we would be, how I would have to water down milk and find new ways to cook oatmeal and ration the toilet paper (my imagination had been at work!) as a new and thrifty wife. I refused to spend my gift, saying it was wiser to save it for things like ... toilet paper! Jeff was so disappointed. Before long our time in Freeport was spoiled and our miscommunication had grown into misunderstanding that grew into our first bona fide "married fight." The honeymoon wasn't even technically over!

Our Honda was tense as we drove back toward the lake. Words became mean (Mine did. Jeff doesn't talk mean.) as we tried to explain ourselves and failed. Finally, somebody said something about being dropped off at a pay phone to call her dad and go home .... oh, mercy! It really sounds ridiculous now, doesn't it!?!

Next to a forest of pines Jeff pulled our little Honda over where we parked next to a dumpster, of all things. He told me it would take work to understand, to communicate, and to love. He told me we were going to apologize and ask each other's forgiveness and leave that argument and those hurtful words in that dumpster. We did ... and then we had a lobster for dinner and headed back to our honeymoon cottage by the lake. :)

It was our first married argument, but it hasn't been our last. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but forgiveness must be part of any healthy marriage that lasts. Ephesians 5:22-33 describes the love and tenderness a husband must give his wife and the gentle respect a wife must give her husband. Since living in Knoxville, I have learned this is actually the home of the Dempster brothers, the men who designed the Dempster Dumpsters. It's a good reminder that every marriage should have regular "dumpster moments." Who wants to drive around in life with a life full of garbage? Don't be shy about it. When caught up in conflict as we struggle to communicate, to understand, to set ourselves aside, to meet each other's needs, be ready to go dumpster diving and leave your dirty rotten arguments where they belong! I'm praying for each one who reads today, that God will help you pull up to the dumpster and unload any bitterness you have in your marriage. And then go back to your honeymoon cottage. :)

Last week I was asked if I would invite others to join me on Marriage Mondays. I would love to! If you would like to join me on this Marriage Monday by sharing a post that encourages others in the miracle of marriage, click on the MckLinky below to leave your address, please mention Marriage Mondays & link in your post, and then leave a comment. You are welcome to copy and paste the Marriage Mondays logo onto your post. I'm glad to have you on the marriage journey with me!

Marriage Mondays ~ Divine

The Lord began to prompt me some weeks ago (in the midst of silver bells and stocking gifts) with the idea and vision for "Marriage Mondays", as we approach our 20th anniversary. I'm prayerfully excited about how He may use these Mondays. But something amazed me last week at the end of our first "Marriage Monday." I was reading the Proverbs 31 daily devotional, written that day by Melanie Chitwood. Imagine my SHOCK when she said, "Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday this year I'll blog about marriage matters. I'd love for you to join me every Monday, so we can share the ups and downs of marriage."

Amazing. Sort of weird. I chose to consider it divine movement. :)

I am not a copycat, but I recognize that while God was stirring my heart and mind, He was stirring hers in the same way. I wonder who else's heart is stirred with Marriage Mondays. :) He must be planning something wonderful concerning His earthly miracle called marriage. I hope you'll jump over here to read Melanie's Marriage Mondays too. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm part of something heavenly, and it feels so exciting!

Divine movement is part of marriage from before we're ever aware of it. Eve must've been the only gal to never wonder about or wrestle with knowing if she'd met "the man of her dreams." Think about that. ;) Each woman has her radar ready for indications she has met her life's partner. In discipling teenagers I've always encouraged them to think through qualities that are non-negotiables for them and to write them down, so they have a solid frame of reference before their emotions are added to the mix or long eyelashes and a square jaw muddy their thinking.

When Jeff and I met in college on the volleyball court, it was not love at first sight, but my radar was working. It didn't take long to see Jeff's quality of humility that drew me to him (in addition to that manly jaw and blue eyes). I loved how he saw himself in relation to God's great grace and what that meant for his life ... "our" life. On the other hand, when I was picked up in a Camaro by a quarterback with wavy locks and long lashes who spent the first hour impressing me with his sports statistics, I was ready to sign up for "singles skating." When we seek God's best, there's great confidence in knowing it's divinely directed, and that's comforting in years to come when life is hard or when you are "found" on Facebook by an old flame (not me, but others I know ...). Even when the circumstances of a marriage are not God's ideal, we recognize He saw and knew our relationships before their time came, and if we are to marry, He prepares us for the man we will share life with.

So what difference does that make today? Well for one thing, it reminds me to be in prayer now for the growth of my daughter and son and for their potential mates as they grow. I need to train my children to be expectant about God's plan for them, should it include marriage or singleness. And I need to look at my husband when he comes home and be confident he is the man God wants me to be with, the one I need to encourage and pursue, the one I need to complement and care for. I need to welcome him home, remembering our relationship isn't just aiming for divine. It already is divine.

A "divine" step for a wife to take would be:

• stop right now and thank God for your husband, the one He chose for you
• write in a prayer journal, on a note card, on a napkin that "_____ is the man God wants me to encourage, complement, care for, pursue"
• when you meet at the end of the day, tell him that he's still the man for you
• write on your mirror with lipstick "you are mine & I am yours"
• write on a page in your planner or Bible "God has prepared me all of my life to be the best wife for ___________"

  

Marriage Mondays~ Ice Skating

Ice skating has a way of making grown men, who spend their days in a 5x5 cubicle, throw their head back, sway their hips, narrow their eyes, and shake their hair as they mouth the words to "Wild Thing ..." Middleschoolers can be seen singing "We all live in a yellow submarine" (thinking it's a marine tune) in a moment of unembarrassed bliss, only aware of reality because of their burning cold toes. Middle aged moms watch tiny spinning girls and sigh, thinking back to Dorothy Hamill days and "if only..." I saw parents with kids, sisters, friends, and couples skating together in what looked like moments they would remember.

I watched a couple yesterday at the arena on Market Square in Knoxville. He was in a puffy olive green coat and ear muffs. She was in a cute tan car coat with a hat and red gloves; she reminded me of Natalia Wood as Maria in West Side Story. She couldn't skate and clung to the wall in the 2 times she ventured around the ring. He was patient and sweet, pretending not to notice the backlog of fledgling skaters behind them. I wanted to whisper ... ok, scream, "Put your arm around her, man! Let her hold onto you, and she'll be swept away in the romance just in time to join in for the second verse of Taylor Swift's 'You Belong to Me.'" But in a desire not to emotionally scar my teenager, I refrained. I thought back to before Jeff and I were dating ... going from insecure "clinging Maria" to oneness with a man is a miraculous thing.

I think Ecclesiastes 4:10 is perfect here: "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Ice skating. Marriage.

This summer Jeff and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage. Count 'em ... that's more than all of elementary/high school/college/grad school combined! That's two decades. Five presidencies. From birth certificate to resume. The length of some loans. Sadly, it is becoming more and more of a rare thing for couples to reach this marker. More people do not ever marry or are divorced than stay married for life. Bottom line: I'm becoming a freak, and I'm not even trying. Who knew?

Marriage is miraculous, designed by the Maker of miracles. As we build up to our anniversary in June, I'll take each Monday to reflect on something true, miraculous, or beautiful about marriage. For today, I'll just say something magical can happen when skating with a partner, and I do wish olive coat man and Maria would grab onto each other and embrace the magic. Now don't get me wrong ... marriage isn't always smooth gliding, but I think it's well worth it. The truth is that it's not natural for people to glide on ice; it can be down right dangerous! It can be awful with the wrong partner. To have someone you feel safe to hold on to, wind in your hair, music in your hearts, joy in your soul, gliding together ... that's what marriage is like, and that is miraculous.

I'll hope you'll look forward to "Marriage Mondays" with me and will share your own reflections of this miraculous thing called marriage.

Cashing In to 2010

Money can rob us of peace. But I love new starts. This year begins with blank account pages, clean checkbook records, and new boxes for receipts. Yesterday my friend Bridgette opened up about her journey to financial debt. Today is a great time for Part 2 of the story, how they moved to financial peace. Their experience is an inspiration as we all begin a new year. (See Part 1 here)


BUDGETS?

It took several months to come up with a budget that included all that they needed to include. They’ve changed formats and processes several times in their married life, but the method and spread sheet they’re using now are working well for them.

BUSINESSES?

At one point Bridgette started her own business to help pay for one of the biggest debts; she suggests that anyone who tries this route set up a separate checking account to track the business. “It holds you accountable not to spend more than you make!”

BILLS?

They moved to a cash envelope system for spending. She shares, “I know it sounds intimidating to limit yourself to spend just what is in an envelope, but really for us it was freeing. I never have to think about how much money we have already spent, or if we will have enough to make it to the end of the month. I just know that once the envelope is empty I am done spending in that area. Using cash keeps you accountable and does not allow you to spend more than you make.” They keep envelopes for: Groceries, Babysitting, Housing, Eating Out, and one envelope for our two year old (used to pay for diapers, but now clothes, birthday gifts, etc.) A debit card is reserved only for gas and other irregular, but planned, expenses.

BOOSTS?

For this couple the Dave Ramsey program really gave them the skills they needed, and listening to the Friday radio shows was an encouragement (people call in & scream, “WE’RE DEBT FREE!”).

BLESSINGS?

In February 2009 they had been on the new stewardship journey for about 4 yrs and announced they (except for the house) are debt free!! When they got pregnant with their son they decided to live on just hubby’s salary, but they saved up a 5-6 month emergency fund. They left that in place after their son was born and accomplished $ Baby Steps 2 and 3 at the same time (pay off debts and save up 3-6 months of expenses).



Listen to the perspective this debt free gal shares now, “We consider this emergency fund to be ‘God’s emergency fund’ and we hope to have the opportunity to use it to glorify Him in the future.” Since bringing their finances under God’s control, they know where each dollar goes and can do more with what they are given, such as:

• Support missionaries above their tithe
• Save for retirement
• Save for a replacement car when needed
• Strategize ahead for their family

“We feel like giving away money to further the kingdom is something God has called and equipped us to do.”

As she reflects on their financial journey, she shares a few final words: “I think one of the things that Christians can be tempted to do is to stop tithing while you are getting out of debt … trust God during that time and know that even though you think it will take you longer because you are “missing” that income, God will bless your decision to trust him with your finances. If anyone needs more information on Dave Ramsey I would send them to his website: daveramsey.com

Thanks so much to Bridgette for sharing her story! You can get to know them better at her blog "The Boudreauxs" and find out how you can pray with them for some special needs in upcoming months.

A couple of other great resources to explore:

• Crown Financial Ministries
• Learning to Live Financially Free by Curt & Marybeth Whalen

It’s a new year, and God surely wants to meet our needs.He will give us resources to manage for His glory. Let’s put our money under His control so we are financially free and experiencing financial peace in this new year.

Can you relate? Do you have a financial victory to share? A burden for prayer? Or a resource that should be shouted? Feel free to click "comment" below to let others know, to add to the inspiration, and to find partnership with others like us who are praying about how we use our pennies.

Cashing Out 2009

It’s that time of year, time to balance the checkbook and file away the 2009 accounts. Wishing you could start the year “in the black,” but feel like you’re splashing in a sea of red? Longing for a year when you use your money, so it isn’t using you? Ever feel like you’d love to have the freedom to help others, but can’t grab a hold of your bottom line to have something to give? This time of year we review finances to strengthen stewardship in the year ahead. A friend of mine has a victorious story to tell of how she and her hubby let God rule their accounts. These are gold nuggets, and not the kind the commercials are begging you to bring in to trade for cash (like those earrings I have from that old boyfriend …);)

Bridgette shares, "There's ultimately only one way to financial peace, and that's to walk daily with the Prince of Peace, Christ Jesus". In an interview with me she offered practical insights for how it can happen as we turn the page of a new account, as we enter 2010.

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus," Philippians 4:19.

For the last day of 2009 and the first of 2010, I want to share this testimony to inspire and help all of us who are seeking to make this year COUNT, in our online checking accounts and beyond. Today (the 31st) I’ll share their path to debt and tomorrow (the 1st) their road to financial freedom. I’m thankful for their willingness to share, in hopes others will take steps to peace.

Bridgette and her husband restructured their finances after they … bought a house (with a down payment loaned by grandparents), still owed money on a car, and used a loan on that same car to pay for siding on the house they bought. They also had a few things on 0% interest credit cards like a new fridge. They said that in total they owed over $45,000.

I asked her what toll the debt took on their marriage. "Owing a family member money is never a comfortable place to be. I think that for my husband that was particularly true. We had credit cards that we paid off every month, but we didn’t know how much that total would be each month. When the bill would come it would be so stressful because we would have to sit down and “explain” how each charge got there. I would often act like a spoiled child about purchases. ‘I have a job, so I deserve x, y, and z.’ Overall it put stress on our marriage that I don’t think either one of us recognized at the time.”

A mountain of debt doesn’t usually rise up overnight. She has valuable insights about habits that led them down the road to debt. “Using credit cards did lead us not to sit down and set a budget. We just kind of spent as we went through the month and if we had any money at the end we might save it, or we might just spend it on something else. We never sat down and talked about goals for saving for a house, etc.” When we feel like we are at the bottom of a huge financial mountain, it’s a good idea to search for wise counsel and advice. They did just that.

There are various ministries and programs to help us bring financial peace to our lives; Bridgette and her hubby attended a Dave Ramsey conference. There, they realized credit cards were allowing them to live outside of their means. She shares that, “It was scary to cut up our credit cards at first but now I don’t even think about the fact that we don’t have them.”

“Scary.” A word that describes how a lot of us feel about bringing finances under control, but this is an example of a victory story we can learn from. After attending the financial conference, this couple was “bitten by the bug,” coming home to cut up credit cards, make a budget, and begin purposefully paying down debts (smallest to largest). In Bridgette’s case, they began to follow “Dave’s Baby Steps” to get out of debt. They gave up unnecessary costs, listed all debts regardless of interest rates, and paid minimum payments on all but the smallest debts. Then … “that debt we attacked with vengeance!” They began to see success right away.

Check back tomorrow for Part 2 ... the awesome and exciting part of how they found financial freedom, with inspiration for how to use your nickels, dimes, and dollars in the new year!

One Final "Complaint"

I am very thankful for my husband Jeff of nearly 20 years.

Since it's the last Friday in November, I want to pause from the feast of leftovers today :) and reflect on 1 more issue of complaining... really two. Cindy brought up the great question of how to respond when people around us are complaining. I would like to hear how you deal with that challenge (leave a comment below). As I've chewed on her comment (not like chewing on turkey, mind you), I've come to some conclusions.

Ephesians 4:1-16 talks about how we are to walk out our lives in a way worthy of our calling as followers of Jesus. That means demonstrating maturity, instead of childishness. It means being strong, instead of being swept away by talk around us. It means not getting carried away by the wind of tongue wagging around us or falling prey to deceivers who draw us in with dishonest words. Joining in on complaining can be like arriving when a great yard sale opens. Before you know it, you have a wok and a box of 8-track tapes, and you feel good about it. Hmmm ....

We are, instead, to grow up and act like Jesus, specifically in our words. This isn't easy when words of grumbling are flying and our childish flesh rears its grouchy head and wants to join in the whining. THAT comes easily, but we don't have to let the swirl of complaining be our master. Next time you find yourself in a ghetto of griping (which may be your office cubicle, the church foyer, your Face Book wall, your sidewalk, the aisle in Wal-Mart, or a booth at Panera ...) try taking one of these tactics:

Be honest - Say something like, "You know what? I'm really trying to work on my tendency to complain. Let's talk about something else."

Pray & then "grow up and talk like Jesus" - Instead of scolding, you be the one to turn the tone and talk about what's good. It only takes one voice to change the course of conversation.


Ask a question - "That's really hard. How can I pray for you about that?"

Silence is agreement - Matthew 7 is a great reminder not to judge one another, but we are to be iron sharpening iron. If complaining is a pattern, you may need to speak up. Remember Ephesians 4 says we are to speak the truth in love, so approach it from an angle like this, "You seem really disappointed about that. It's not always easy to see things from God's perspective. I'll pray He'll give you understanding and grace to bear it."

You need ammo - Memorize scripture about contentment, so your mind is not just "swept away" by the talk around you. We can find ourselves complaining just like women buying purses on QVC ... just because everyone else is. ;) I love 1 Tim. 6:6. Short and sweet when under pressure.


Leave - This is the old "run from evil" approach, but you might need to find new company before you begin to fall into the pattern of those around you.

I think adult women often fall into the trap of complaining about our husbands, so I can't finish today without mentioning that. Proverbs 31 says an excellent wife does her husband good and not evil (v. 12) and that when she opens her mouth in wisdom the teaching of kindness is on her tongue (v. 26). This gal was not a complainer. When you look at her day, she might've had a few opportunities .... but she was known by her positive tongue that blessed others.

When tempted to gripe about your guy, STOP & be quiet. Relax ... it's not forever! ;) Stop long enough to:

• thank God for your husband. It's hard to complain about someone we are praising God for
• remember what his good qualities are. Be glad that he's not perfect; you aren't either.
• consider that love is not only about being pleased; it's about being committed.
• look at your watch. That's right. Remember that timing is everything, and if it's truly an issue to talk about, timing and setting should be chosen carefully. Give yourself time to wait and pray, then see what perspective God gives you.
  
• think about how God sees your husband. Your guy is made in God's image and known and loved by His Maker.
• acknowledge that God has appointed your hubby as your head and leader. This Middle Eastern manager, mom, and model of Proverbs guarded her husband's dignity and was careful with his confidence and reputation.
• let go of him. You may be complaining because your guy isn't doing what YOU want him to do. He is the Holy Spirit's to shape and mature, and God is quite able to work on the quirks of your knight in shining armor.
  
• think about yourself. Ask God to make you more and more into the woman He wants you to be, into the best wife your husband could have. He may even want to use your husband's weaknesses to grow you up.

Find yourself trapped in a husband bashing session? Before lightning strikes :) think back to the first suggestions. It only takes one wife to turn the tide of a flood of negativity and begin a wave of godly talk. If complaining is stinging your ears, that's the Holy Spirit prompting you to clamp down on the complaining and change the tone to talk that's worthy of the calling of Christ.

You, too, can quit the complaining and smile at the future. :) Would love to hear any "positive" words of wisdom that have worked for you or examples of being "turner of the tide." If you don't want to share, that's ok. I won't complain about it. ;)

19th Anniversary! & Tasty Tuesday

The wedding day was hot, and the old stone church was cool. Our flowers were a disaster. The cake was perfect. My mom and dad worked so hard to make it wonderful. The church was filled with people we loved. I wore a dress I found on a clearance rack, and my sister said I looked like Cinderella. :) I did my own hair and nails. I wore isotoner slippers under my dress( ... why miss the joy due to sore feet?). I wore a veil borrowed from my youth group counselor, Gretchen. I smeared my nail polish. The service was long :) ... there was so much we wanted to include, so much scripture, so much music, our own vows. Jeff cried. I cried. My parents cried. Tears of joy! Our hearts were so full. We drove off in a borrowed antique Model A car as our loved ones released balloons into the air (I've gotten over the guilt for not being green that day ... ) , and we began our life together. These 19 years have been full of adventure and learning and joy and challenges and God's faithfulness. God gave me a precious gift in my sweet husband. Our future looks great!

On this Tasty Tuesday and Tempt my Tummy Tuesday, in honor of my man, I want to share one of Jeff's most favorite breakfast dishes; I found it in the earliest years of our marriage. I continue to make it by request ... or just as an overflow of love! I hope you'll enjoy it.

Dutch Babies (aka German Puffed Pancakes & Bismarks)

2 t. butter
1 egg
1/4 c. milk
1/4 c. flour
1/4 t. almond extract (optional)
1/2 t. grated lemon zest (optional)

Preheat the oven to 475 degrees. Put butter in an individual ramekin or, if multiplying the recipe up to 4X, pour into a pie pan sized dish (round works best). Place the dish in the hot oven until butter melts completely. Beat the egg until bright; gradually add the remaining ingredients, blending with a whisk. Pour batter into the hot pan and bake about 12 minutes, 'til puffed and golden. It will puff up high and be beautiful! Serve immediately, with powdered sugar dusted on top. You can also add: berries, warm applesauce, sauteed fruit, toasted almonds, shredded coconut, or whipped cream.

Flowers on the way to 70 yrs

If you read my post from last Saturday, you know what a testimony I discovered when I found a wobbly, older couple out for a "walk" on a very busy, main road. As they shared about their "70 years" (read on to the post before this), I was so encouraged. 70 years don't accumulate just in good times, but in the "better or for worse, in sickness and in health" times.

The other night I injured my back and have been moving around quite cautiously ever since. I just have to celebrate my sweet husband. Last night he folded laundry for me, and today he popped home for lunch, bringing a bunch of my favorite flowers ~ alstroemeria. Those are great steps to take in getting to 70 years!


Father, thank you for the partner you've given to me, my sweet husband who is so often an expression of YOUR love for me. In him, I am reminded that YOU love me and know my every need ... even my favorite flowers. Thank you, Lord.

70 Years and Counting

If you visited my blog before, you may've picked up on reasons why I don't write for an exercise magazine … But when I was turning to go to the gym last week, I do believe that God delayed my work out by divine intervention. J Really. No fooling.

I was turning onto the very busy 4 lane road, when I saw two elderly people with goggle glasses on, the man carrying a white plastic bag and both using canes. She was fussing at him. Cars veered away from them, passing at high speed. I parked and did what my middle schoolers are embarrassed about me … I approached someone I didn't know to talk to them. I walked to the road and asked if I could give the couple a ride. "Oh, no, honey. We're fine. Just out for a walk. Beautiful day. We're both blind, but we're okay. He just keeps falling out into the road."

FALLING OUT INTO THE ROAD! That was all I needed to hear. They weren't getting rid of me.

I made some lame excuse and asked if I could walk with them down the (STEEP!) hill to their condo; they seemed glad to indulge me. As we walked, they told me about their lifetime in Knoxville, their son states away, their careers, their church, their health, their blindness. Somewhere along the way, Bud (we were introduced by now) stuck a couple of Jolly Ranchers into my hand and told me I sure was nice. I was really enjoying our visit by that time. Bud got his cane stuck in a road grate and almost fell head over tin cups while Edith was telling me, "I know we look pitiful, but we really are okay. He's 95, and I'm 90. I don't know why we're still here, but God must not be done with us!"

Several years ago we began a marriage ministry at our church. It was born out of concern for the suffering in the marriages around us, not just in our community, but in our church community, too. We established a quarterly night of encouragement, "One Night," an intensive small group getaway called "One Weekend," and a mentoring ministry called "One Partnership." It's helped, but the waves keep crashing around us. Walking along with Bud and Edith as we gingerly made our way down the hill, I had to ask how long they'd been married. Edith told me that they have been married 70 years. I told her we're about to celebrate our 19^th anniversary. "Honey," she said, "it's not easy, but you hang in there no matter what."

The rest of the story? I wrote my number in HUGE symbols on the receipt in Bud's bag and told them to call me the next time they want to go for a walk. I did go exercise, and I had a lot to think about. And Friday night was another One Night. We had about 75 couples, and we spent the night laughing, being encouraged, and being reminded that we need to constantly rekindle the love and foundations of our sacred partnerships. "Hang in there no matter what," as Edith would say. I hope I won't be trying to keep Jeff from falling into the road when I'm 90, but I would love to follow in Edith's footsteps, to look back in my 90's and say I've been married 70 years. THAT would be something to blog about!

Marriage: Truly ONE, Truly TWO – Part 5

Truly Two – Becoming One

One afternoon we canoed along a river, carrying a few bags we packed together, headed to a destination we had agreed on, paddling in rhythm. With friends who shared a canoe nearby us, we motivated each other to stay on course together. We brought our best to the canoes that day, with nothing to encumber us, no interference. As the day wore on, we were surprised to discover masses of tire like water snakes, piled on logs, even hanging from overhead branches. Strangely enough, I don't remember being afraid or ever thinking of bailing out. I was confident in our partnership, not feeling threatened by what would've usually alarmed me. The surrounding threat made me appreciate the safety and security of my partner's presence even more. The memory of that striving together journey is imprinted in our minds as peaceful, despite the slithering danger around us.

What are you bringing to your canoe? Are you dragging around life's old baggage or gathering new burdens along the way? Have you released your load and come to your marriage "free"? Have you, by faith, believed in God for yourself and become a new creature in Christ Jesus? If you come to the oneness of marriage unburdened, believing, and new, then you have all you need for a "fruit full" union. When we are who we need to be, individually, then we are able to become "Truly ONE." My marriage can grow into a thing of beauty when I ask myself, "Am I who I need to be?" There is sweet joy to be found in a marriage that is born if "they will become one."

If you are single, then blessings to you as you grow into the woman God dreams for you to be and as you encourage your married friends to live out their oneness to glorify Him. If you are married, then blessings to you as you pursue oneness.

Marriage: Truly ONE, Truly TWO – Part 4

Truly One - Becoming New in Christ

While many in and out of the church find themselves drifting apart from their partner and sensing they are too distant to change course, followers of God have hope in knowing there is no individual too far to have a new chance at oneness. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Cor. 5:17. That's a completely inclusive promise to "anyone" who longs for the "old things" of life to pass away and be made new. Old habits, events, relationships, decisions, lifestyles. So a husband and wife can clear away "old things" and experience a new chance to become truly one flesh, they must be clean in Christ. The same God who created marriage to be born of two individuals who cleave and "become one flesh" also extends a promise to them to experience individual newness of life. We find a beautiful promise in the book of James. When one spouse will "Come near to God," then "he will come near to you," James 4:8, and as the two move toward their Maker, they draw closer to each other. They come to the oneness of marriage as new creatures in Christ and because they long to know their God.

Truly One - Behaving with Fruit

A godly marriage is not easy, even impossible apart from the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in and enables those who follow God. In fact, when the Holy Spirit lives in us, God expects that a fruitful life is the outcome. Thankfully, fruit depends on our powerful God and not our weak flesh.

It seems like too much to ask, to blend a life with another and have it result in harmony and unity of purpose and life, but "the Spirit helps us in our weakness," Rom. 8:26. Instead of resignation to a marriage of emptiness or conflict, we are guaranteed help and victory. We always find sympathy from the world to persist in doing life our way, keeping our "baggage," and moving our own direction, but it won't take us to a place of oneness only be explained by the Divine. Once we're released from living according to our human instincts, we "are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in," us, Rom. 8:9. Once in the Spirit, the natural outcome is His fruit, qualities of "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control," Gal. 5:22. It's not easy to apply those qualities when canoeing, and it's even harder to apply them when living day to day life as a husband or wife. Only the Holy Spirit makes it possible for each "one" to behave with spiritual fruit.

Marriage is not an easy undertaking. I don't know about you, but I am certain that if the Holy Spirit was not in me, producing fruit in our home, there wouldn't be much of what Galatians 5 describes. But if God is who He says He is, and I believe HE IS, then I know that, "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness," 2 Pt. 1:3a. That gives me great hope that I can behave with fruit in my marriage!

Tomorrow is our last day of considering what it takes to take individuals who are who they need to be, Truly TWO, and make them Truly ONE. I hope you'll join me.

Marriage: Truly ONE, Truly TWO – Part 3

Truly One - Believing by Faith

If we could believe on behalf of a friend or loved one, many more would follow Christ. For those who long for loved ones to know Him, the pain is great. Trying to live as one while following different paths is a struggle. In the Hebrews 11 description of individual godly people, we are told that, "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe," Heb. 11:6. Among the names of those who walked with God, we are reminded that it takes individual faith to know the God who joins a man and woman.

In the Old Testament book of Ezekiel, God speaks to those who are His own people, but people who have been unfaithful, living in sin. Because of His holiness, He must purify His people, so that they can know Him and live the abundant life He intends. He explains that when judgment comes to a land, "Even if these three men - Noah, Daniel and Job - were in it, they could only save themselves by their righteousness," Ezekiel 14:14. Great men of God, though righteous, were accountable for their own manner of life. How much more are we accountable individually for our manner of life as a husband and wife? When the faith of one is weighed down or wandering, his path grows further from the one moving God's way, and the two grow apart as they struggle to stay connected to each other. Each individual must believe in God and seek Him by his own faith, if the couple is to enjoy victory.

Do you know if you have believed? Ask God to show you the condition of your heart and the measure of your faith. If you are a believer and your husband has yet to ask God to be his Lord, then you can show love to your husband through being a prayer warrior on his behalf. Many godly women have "waited" their husbands to Christ through their faithful praying and faithful living. Jesus promised, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," 2 Cr. 12:9.

Marriage: Truly ONE, Truly TWO - Part 2

Truly One - Bringing Your Baggage

While Adam and Eve may not have come to the union with baggage, they quickly gathered some. Genesis 3:6 tells us that each ate separately of the Tree of Good and Evil. It was a choice that would overflow into every marriage union since. Today, most men and women bring along the baggage, the burdens, that come from life in a sinful world; we add to it when we live in our flesh. If two individuals drag along their baggage, choosing not to release it, they weigh down the union. God's plan is that each person would listen to the Psalmist's urging to, "Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you," Psalm 55:22. As husband and wife come to marriage, God intends that a man is free to leave his baggage behind, and a wife isn't stumbling over her baggage as she tries to cling to her man. Strangely, when packing a canoe, my husband never wants to weigh us down with excess, freeing us to enjoy the adventure. When I bring too much gear, my failure to pack light encumbers our whole canoe. In our spiritual journey, we are freed from condemnation when we are in Christ Jesus, walking in the Spirit, and free from the old burdens of the "law of sin and death," Rom. 8:1,2. Each spouse brings baggage, but Jesus relieves us of our burdens, so we can approach our union without being held back and weighing down our mate.

Ask God to show you any baggage that remains in your own heart and mind, hindering your oneness with your husband. 2 Cr. 5:17 "…if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Marriage: Truly ONE, Truly TWO - Part 1

I love to canoe. Or, should I say, I love it when my husband canoes? We've spent many happy hours on rivers and lakes, me in the front and Jeff in the back. He's a good sport, letting me prop up a pack or cooler, put my feet up and relax … while he does the work. My goal really isn't to get anywhere, but just to be along for the ride. He, on the other hand, loves to really make progress. Other times, we each take a canoe, and I endeavor to follow in his path, staying close enough to hear each other. Sadly, my canoe usually does a creative zig zag, and I'm far away when he tries to point out hidden herons or lurking snapping turtles. Instead, I find myself distant, at best, straining to land at the same destination. Long ago, I think he gave up on the hope that, together, we would become a lean, mean, canoeing machine who explores remote lakes and isolated rivers. In the world of canoes and paddles, I'm not his equal, don't even approach compatibility, and am not really motivated to change. We're satisfied to be together, but imagine the pleasure of paddling, if we would become one. While this blog is not just about marriage, I hope that these thoughts will encourage those who find themselves in a canoe with a husband and those who think they'd love "to try to canoe." Join me for the next few days as we reflect on what it is to truly be "ONE" and why it matters that we are also truly "TWO."

In the world of more significant "oneness," marital oneness, we often focus on the union, when a man and a woman become "one flesh." It may seem illusive or out of reach, but the secret to this oneness may lie in the first part of the phrase recorded in Genesis 2:24: "and they." Before we're told that they were joined, we're told the woman was of the man's flesh and would be named "Woman." Before they were united, we're told the man was to leave his parents. Both had an independent, developed identity before they came to each other. God brought two distinct people to the first union, a distinction we can not underestimate today. In fact, the Psalmist David testified about his life that, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book," Ps. 139:16, and he knew that God's thoughts about him were precious and, "vast is the sum of them," Ps. 139:17. Each life carefully and individually designed by their intimate Creator. As marriages come under attack and bend under the weight of our flesh, we often focus on fixing the one flesh, but we skip ahead and overlook the vital element of who comprises "the two." It is, in fact, "the two" that determine how harmonious the union is. Are they striving together? Are they in synch? Are they moving with a common purpose? Are they progressing in the same direction? Who are "the two"?

Tomorrow, let's begin to look at some of the steps that have to be taken for a man and a woman to be two individuals who become one.