Marriage Mondays: Bedroom Boundaries

Do you ever feel like your husband is married to his phone, instead of you? Some people find it hard to disconnect from technology, especially phones, which are convenient enough to stash on a nightstand ... just to charge, of course. Is it hard for you to disconnect from your cell phone? Is it hard for your husband?

Last November, CNN contributor Bob Greene asked,  "Shouldn't we be spending less time checking and rechecking our many screens, large and small, and more time taking part in what used to be regarded as real life?"

Sometimes tech in intimate places causes problems; sometimes tech in intimate places covers up problems.

For a lot of people, distance from phones makes them feel like they might miss something. They're mentally creating status updates while in the midst of a conversation, or feeling the urge to "announce" all life events thru social media. Some spouses fight the urge to roll over and do quick check of Twitter or Facebook when they hear their phone vibrate or see the light of their screen. Have you ever stirred in the night, only to notice a blue glow coming from your spouse's side of the bed? Is it making you angry to fall asleep with Angry Birds? Some couples find the presence of technology in the bedroom interrupts their intimacy or at least stalls it or pours cold water on it.  Let's face it, it's not easy to be uninhibited when hundreds of followers are tweeting their presence.

If "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine..." (Song of Solomon 6:3a) then why invite someone else into our most private space to claim more than the nightstand?  Technology intruders claim our attention, our thoughts, and our affection.

Try these 7 bedroom boundaries

1. Leave all technology devices (phones, laptops, games, etc) out of the bedroom. 
2. Nightstands are off limits for phones ... even if they're just "charging." 
3. Only the 2 of you belong in your bed ... leave the "followers" in the kitchen.
4. If you're struggling with mental tech temptation, tell your spouse.
5. Practice tech rest periods in the day; mutually agree on the "when."
6. Model boundaries for your children; you'll do their spouse a favor.
7. It's only going to get harder to set boundaries; don't wait any longer.

Boundaries guard opportunities for conversation, affection, prayer, and intimacy.  Remove the distractions to your love life and your quality of rest.   After all, you are your beloved's, and he is yours.  Don't share each other with a phone.

What boundaries will help your bedroom be all it can be? You'll sleep better with boundaries, and you'll enjoy your spouse more, too. 

Be sure to stop over to the Mom Initiative today, where I'm posting about 7 Springtime Ingredients for Growing Children.

College Visit!

Friday we took Jo for a COLLEGE VISIT!  How did this happen? Read about our day over at my post on the Mom Initiative today. Here's a glimpse ...

Inside the dorms, our guide was kind (bold? crazy?) enough to show us several rooms where it looked like the Rapture had taken place. Books, guitars, clothes, pizza pans, and shoes littered the floors and beds. There wasn’t a single suitcase or student in the dorms; they were gone. To where? Home? Daytona Beach? Mission trips?  Wherever their destination, the journey is one of growing independence and decision making. It’s a time of learning how the path we choose determines our destination. I doubt any of the young adults who ate the pizza from the dirty pan were thinking about that when they made their escape, but I’m a MOM. It’s what we do...  

Read the rest of  Packing a Young Person's Heart. 

Find me at Everyday Life!

Do you know about the ministry of Proverbs 31? I've enjoyed participating in She Speaks, which has been a great encouragement to me as a leader, writer, and speaker. You can find me during March at the Proverbs 31 website's "Everyday Life" feature, sharing about how to teach your kids to pray.

I would love for you to stop by, scroll down past the (YUMMY! from LeAnn Rice) recipes, and be encouraged about passing on the gift of prayer to the young people in your life. Read Teaching Children to Pray.

Blessings on you this weekend,

Discoveries, Dangers, & Deficits of Teen Yrs

This weekend we'll be pushing our clocks forward an hour, and that means Spring Break is right around the corner. Woohoo!  Someone should tell the daffodils and the chives in my garden that they shouldn't be popping up yet! They were a little anxious. The front of our neighborhood is lined with Bradford Pear trees in full bloom. I think it's safe to count the days to Spring Break!


Having teenagers or college students gives a whole new meaning to the words "Spring Break." The teen years are unique in every culture. National Geographic magazine's cover story in October 2011 was all about the science of the teenage brain, because people around the world would love to know the mysteries of this wonderful and difficult time of life. I for one wouldn't want to relive my teen years, though ... you? The National Geographic article rightly says that, "Culture clearly shapes adolescence .. yet culture does not create adolescence" (p. 55).

Ecclesiastes speaks wise words to those navigating these years, saying, "Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment" (Eccl. 11:9).  

That's where the challenge comes in for young adults, learning that choices determine consequences. Which takes us back to Spring Break ...

I want to invite you over to the Mom Initiative today, where I'm posting about Parenting Teens Thru Spring Break. Even if your teens aren't headed to Disney or Daytona for a Spring Break break (and they're in good company with my 2 kiddos), you'll be encouraged by these ideas for how to steer our young people through the discoveries, the dangers, and the deficits of the wonderful-awful teen years. 

Read Parenting Teens Thru Spring Break here.

Know someone with a teen? Pass on this post for some encouragement!

7 Days in a Cafe ~ Day FOUR: Mac n' Cheese

This café drew me here out of curiosity. I wouldn’t want to write if I had to be here, so this is my chance just to come here for the café. I’ve been here before when I wasn’t thinking about writing or sitting. A sign hanging near a wall sized photo of a hot air balloon pointed to the coffee shop, along with a place called “Radiology.” The hot air balloon is meant to camouflage what the building really is. When I found the café, it had no chairs. People here don’t want to get coffee and sit and linger; they want to get it and take it back up to the chairs next to small people who look like their own childhood pictures and have nicknames only they use. At Children’s Hospital the café is just for coffee to go. 

But I did want to sit and linger, and I was even hungry for more than coffee, so I came to the cafe-teria, the place where they make jello to send upstairs. There aren’t many children here, but there are grown ups in scrubs decorated with kittens and hearts. No one seems to think that rainbow colored head coverings are out of place here. Someone I don’t see throws around God’s name like a menu item, and it seems really wrong to do so in a place like this. Of all places, God’s name shouldn’t be blurted out like stepping on a ketchup packet. It should be used with care and leaned on and injected into everything. A table full of colored scrub-wearers talks about car trouble, and the youngest diagnoses an alternator problem. The people here are used to listing symptoms and diagnosing sickness. Most of them.

A young couple wanders in through the tables of scrubs, carrying a small blond boy, and the mom is obviously carrying another baby inside. They put chicken nuggets and a big wedge of white cake in front of their toddler at the table beside me; it’s okay to give your toddler cake when you need to make life’s hard things a little easier. From out of his camouflage diaper bag they give him a bright green sippy cup, the color of a strong growing sprout that’s going to burst out with life. Maybe he’s not such a strong sprout. He sits on the table, and they let him. Sometimes sitting on the table in a café really doesn’t seem to matter. I wonder why they’re here and if they thought they would ever be here. No one wants to have to come to this café or get their coffee to go. We want to sit and linger.

The table of scrubs can’t resist talking to the blond table sitter. A much older boy takes a seat behind them, and I wonder if he has to wear an armband or if someone he loves wears one. A smiling scrub-wearer walks by the new boy’s table and asks the boy how he’s feeling. He must have the arm band. Kids who come to this café are different than others, but they’re the same too. He has French fries like any other boy in a baseball hat with glasses. That’s why the Daddy at the table next door is growling and laughing and tickling and making the little boy’s voice sound like a washer on agitate. 

I’m glad they sell more than coffee here. I have mac n’cheese, and so does the lady on the other side of me, up against the wall. She’s checking her phone and studying her mac n’cheese. I’ve often heard it called “comfort food,” and I hope she’s finding comfort in there, because she looks tired. Sometimes we just need to be reminded that God knows our pain and cares. I hope she’s reading that in a text.

No one wants to come to this café. When people get married or talk about their future or look for a pink stripe on a pregnancy test, no one wants to come here. But the café is quite full now, with people who had to come or people who would come for people who need to. The cashier comes to the table of the boy with ball cap and gives him bag of candy that’s tied with a ribbon, and he gets up and hugs her. Is it a bag of camouflage or comfort? Maybe it’s both.

Alongside the wall, behind the lady reading texts and studying mac n’cheese, there’s a row of trash cans that all say “Thank You” and face the room of people. The promise that “those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed” (Prov. 11:25b) is comforting, and everyone here probably needs comfort every now and then. No wonder they make mac n’cheese. 

The blond toddler family is finished; the group with car trouble is finished; the boy in the ball cap is finished; the lady reading texts is finished. They all put their trash where it says, “Thank you,” and they leave. New people take their places and study their lunches. I hope they have mac n’ cheese. 

• Cafe Challenge: Where are you going this weekend? Would you be willing to ask God to show you someone who needs to be comforted with a smile, a kind word, or a prayer? 

7 Days in a Cafe ~ Day THREE: Athena

I didn’t plan for this to be a “Day in a Café.” I was really just stopping for coffee. Truthfully, I was really just stopping to buy coffee to allow me to have a place to sit. After all, who wants to get to work a whole hour early? I needed a place to stop between school drop off and start time. To make it look legitimate, I got a buttered challah to go with my coffee, and I sat down at a window counter next to a stack of handouts about cholesterol and heart disease. I confessed the butter and opened my Bible.


“I always like to read my Bible over a cup of coffee, too,” said the tall blond highlighted woman beside me. She had a beautiful angular jaw and nose that made me want to say, “I think I’ve seen you before. But you were in a museum next to an engraving that said ‘Athena.’” I smiled through my chapped lips and told her I do too. She put her ear buds back in and went back to typing. She was probably blogging about the poor, aging, tired woman with chapped lips next to her at the counter. I regretted getting decaf.

I rifled through my Bible, searching for verses to share when my challah was finished and my work day started. “It is good that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes. The law of your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces” (Psalm 119:71,72). I need to stop worrying about my dry mouth and think more about the law of God’s. His word is better than gold and silver or being like Athena.

I pondered, while my counter-mate typed until her phone rang. I didn’t try to eavesdrop, but Athena had a rather loud, Olympian voice to go with her nose. It seems her little boy was in the clinic, and she had to figure out if she needed to bail on her bagel and head to school. She drilled down to the real question: Did he just want to come home to play video games? Couldn’t he stick it out? I wanted to tell Athena that sometimes mortals just need to be home, especially when they’re little and doing big things like school. She smelled a mythological illness. He gave in and told her he would stay in class; I wondered how he really felt.

Athena immediately dialed a girlfriend and announced the whole scenario with a final, “Do you think I did the right thing?” She repeated the details like a second coating of butter on a challah and asked again, “Do you think I did the right thing?”

Satisfied, she went back to blogging “about me,” and I read, “Your hands have made and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments” (Psalm 119:73). I had to go to work.

“I’ll pray for your little boy to feel better today,” I said as I smashed up my trash and picked up my Bible. She smashed up her ear buds and turned to face me. “Oh, thank you. Do you have kids? It’s so hard to know what to do. Did you hear me ask my friend if I did the right thing? I hope I did the right thing.”

“I do have kids. Most of the time you’re going to do the right thing, and every now and then you’ll make mistakes. I’ll pray for you to know what to do today.”


Her phone rang. It was school again. He was back in the clinic. She mouthed to me, “I’m so sorry. Thank you. Thank you.” I mouthed back, “I’ll be praying for you.”

She smiled, and I smiled back. We all crave to be affirmed, to have others tell us we’re okay and the decisions we make are okay. Even Athena needs to know that.

• Cafe Challenge:  Ask the Lord to help you listen to the needs of people around you and give you someone who needs to be affirmed. Then trust the Holy Spirit to help you know what to say and thank Him when He does!

Look at this!

I'm off to decompress in a cafe from two mentally full days. While I'm there, I'll prepare to share Day Two of 7 Days in a Cafe. But for today, I just want to share something that I'm excited about.

At the end of May I'll be leading a missions team of women and young women to work with partners in Asia. It will be so nice to be reunited with part of my heart, since I left it there!!! ;)   Our team will focus on ministering to tribal women and to girls living in an orphanage. You may remember when I went to serve there last year. I shared about When a Path Calls and Got Lice? to name a few. There's a lot more to share about that, but in preparation for our ministry together, we're spending these 4 months in mentoring partnerships. Each of the 4 women is partnered with a teen girl, so they can pray, plan, and prepare together. Before we invest in women "there," we're investing in young women "here." I'm beyond excited about this!

One of the girls on the team will be my own JoHanna. It's a ripe time of life to have another woman speak into her life and to broaden her heart for people and her understanding of God's plan for the world. I'd better stop .... I could go on and on about my vision for this team. Another time ... :)

Jo and I are prayerfully and creatively looking for ways to raise money towards our ministry funds. Together, we opened an Etsy Shop! It's stocked with one-of-a-kind items that the 2 of us made, and all of the funds from the Shop will go towards our ministry this summer. I would love for you to visit our JulnJo Etsy!


Now for some cafe time .... check back tomorrow to see where I went and what I learned.

Marriage Mondays: Teen Reality Check

Having teenagers keeps you humble, with a generous smattering of "reality" tossed in. It's part of my Life Off Line. Like this weekend, when my two teens agreed and informed me that "Women my age" would probably appreciate what I was wearing. :) I was just trying to convince them to take it easy on me, over my plate of Hibachi Chicken (which they were BOTH picking at), when I opened a fortune cookie and read to them: "Your family is young, gifted, and attractive."  I felt set up. :) They insisted I put the fortune on the fridge at home and went on to drop one liners about the wisdom of fortune cookies. At least it gave me a chance to finish my Hibachi Chicken!

My fashion consultants  ;)

But a few days ago, our oldest teenager made an observation about marriage that rang oh, so true.

Jo - "Mom, you and dad don't do anything exciting anymore. Like you used to when you were dating. How come?"
Me - "Well, basically, 3 reasons: Time, Money, and YOU." (Said affectionately, of course)
Jo - "It seems like when you spend time together all you do is go out to eat."
Me - "We do more than that. We also go to Target!" :)
Jo - "Mom ...."
Me - "Honey, you aren't always aware of how we spend time together, and as life changes, it isn't always easy to do exciting things like you used to." (Yes, I know ... this sounds like a big lame excuse. Don't worry. She's about to blow it apart.)
Jo - "Mom, Jake and I are pretty grown up now. You don't need to stay home for us. We can take care of ourselves, and you can do more now."

.............. Total silence. Mom thinking. Mom realizing, "17 yr old daughter is right. Why am I still acting like I have toddlers?"

I'm thankful for wise moments with my teens, because Proverbs 23:15 says, "My son, if your heart is wise, My own heart also will be glad." So true, even when it means I'm learning.


Marriage seasons change, and in each season we need time alone with our spouse, to concentrate on each other and nurture the flames of our relationship. It's true that some times are less conducive to "exciting things," but those times don't last forever. And in every time, we need to make the most of our opportunities to enjoy all it is to be and live in love.

So my teenager was right. We don't always need to stay home "for them." We should do exciting things together ... without kids. 

There's always a way to spend time with your lover. It may not fit in the "exciting" category, but it can always fit in the "time together" category.

• If you have a baby, put that baby in their own bed, and go snuggle on the couch.
• If you have a toddler, shut that toddler's door and shut your own.
• If you have school age children, you should have a good babysitter by now ... use them, or swap nights with another couple.
• If you have teens, they're pretty grown up. You don't have to stay home with them. Go do something exciting.
• And if your kids are out of the nest, I'd love to hear how you're spending time together now ... I'm right behind you, and I hope it's going to be exciting!

What season of married life are you in? How are you spending time together?

Life Off Line: Snowman craft

I'm very close to giving up on the hope of any real winter here in our hometown. :) We're going to have to sit down for a "Let's not complain" family chat soon. We really love winter.

Today in our Women's Ministry a new team of ladies launched the first of a ministry called the Mom's Chair. They were encouraged, and I know the moms who came were encouraged, too. Instead of being with the moms this time, I got to spend the morning with the home school students. We did a lesson/activity combo all about winter, and it was so much fun.We read great books, made lists of adjectives/verbs/nouns, did a mural and labeled the pictures, discussed climate and temperature, colored, and even looked at what the Bible says about winter:

Psalm 147:16-18

He gives snow like wool; he scatters frost like ashes.

He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs; who can stand before his cold?

He sends out his word, and melts them; he makes his wind blow and the waters flow. 

An awesome science lesson came out those verses! Finally, since there's little hope of a "real" snow, we made our own snowmen ... ones that won't melt. Here's what you need:

To make a non-melting snowman:

• a tube sock
• yarn
• felt
• hot glue or other
• buttons
• wiggly eyes
• rice

We filled the socks with rice and tied them off tightly at the top and in the middle. Fold down the "tube" twice to make the hat. We added eyes, buttons, a foam or felt nose, and a felt strip for a scarf. You can snip the edges to make it look fringed. I also added mittens. Some of us even added cheeks using pink lipstick!

We didn't let the warm winter stop us! :) This a simple craft to make in a little bit of time and inexpensive ingredients. I used this once at a Mother/daughter winter party JoHanna and I hosted - great fun! If you're a mom, an aunt, a grandma, a Sunday School teacher, or someone longing for snow ... this has your name written all over it. :) Next week is going to be even warmer!?!?!  That's okay. I'm going to enjoy it and go for a walk every day ... I've already made my snowman this year. ;)

What "real craft" or project helps you celebrate winter?

Today's Line Off Line Challenge: 
- Make something with real glue. :) A card? A sock snowman?

- Stop by the library & pick up a new book to read before winter melts into spring.

Marriage Mondays: 7 Real Habits of a Happy Marriage

One of the things I do "off line" each week is to meet with a group of young married ladies each Sunday night. Jeff meets with the husbands downstairs, while we gals gather upstairs. It's a sweet time of sharing, learning, and praying together. It's discipleship, mentoring, and growing together. We talk about what it means to be women who follow God and how that looks in our lives as daughters, friends, wives, and someday maybe moms. A couple of "my girls" have started to share with us that they're expecting their first baby, and I'm excited to go through this new part of life's journey together. I'll get to be with them as they become moms!

Today an awesome new online resource is launching to help moms in real life, in life off line. As part of the writing team of mentor moms at The M.O.M. Initiative, I'm working with my friend Stephanie Shott in our vision for moms to help mentor other moms. Check out The M.O.M. Initiative and share this excellent resource. 

Last night I asked my group of young wives what "real habits" they've found to be valuable in their early years of marriage. They've discovered some gems that will serve them well for years to come, habits that don't grow old in the blessings they insure. Here's what my girls had to say:

7 Real Habits of a Happy Marriage

1. Have breakfast in bed on Saturdays
2. Exercise together
3. Pray together in bed every night
4. Verbalize positives and affirmations often
5. Find activities the two of you can share
6. Eat dinner together at the table
7. No phones or TV allowed once you go to bed

1 Timothy 4:16 tells us to watch our "life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, for if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."

If we're careful to do and keep doing the godly habits of marriage that we have been taught, it will benefit us and those we talk to about marriage and family life.

• Have the good habits you once had grown cold? 
• Do you need a little stoking of the fire? 

I'm excited to say that my girls are off to a great start in real habits the will produce real joy in their pursuit of oneness!

Life Off Line Challenge: Hospitality

So in my blog planning notebook, today's "Life Off Line Challenge" is "Hospitality." I thought about sharing my favorite books on hospitality, writing about the guest books we've kept through the years, about the blessing of having people in your home, or about how you don't have to have the latest color scheme to invite people in.  But then ...


Monday night we were laying on the bed with our 17 year old daughter, talking about the rather typical teen issue of wanting/needing the car, and our conversation went from that to other things. Before I knew it, my words had been harsh, she felt turned away, and the door to her heart and mine closed off from one another. She left with watery eyes, and I turned to Jeff with a heavy mind. He gently welcomed me though I didn't deserve it, invited me to be vulnerable, and shared what I needed to hear. I took the walk down the dark hallway to confess my sin of being inhospitable to my own, to ask Jo's forgiveness and to give mine in return. 


It's a good thing to be hospitable to strangers. Hospitality is so much in need in our world that many colleges even offer an online hospitality management degree. Hebrews 13:2 tells us to be hospitable to strangers, and that means working it out by opening our hands and homes OFF line. But true hospitality starts at home, by rolling out the welcome mat with our words and facial expressions and tones to those we live with. We can't invite others to come and be served and encouraged if we don't live Life Off Line that way at home. 

And I didn't even get to tell you about the cute signs I use for coffee at parties ... but that's okay. My family knows how the kitchen works, and that's where Hospitality off line starts.

Today's Life Off Line Challenge:
- Do one special thing to prepare to "welcome" your family/roommates home, as a reminder to do so with your heart. Like ... light a candle, make a sign to hang on the door, make some tea/coffee when you normally wouldn't, or be AT the door to greet them. Then invite them into your heart.
- Next time your tongue takes over, stop and consider how you would say the same "content" to a stranger before you speak it to a loved one.

3 things Mary gave up

Jeff and I meet with a small group of young married couples. We love them. Our two teenagers love having them in our home, and we're at the fun stage when several are starting to announce that they're pregnant. When they first share that they're expecting, it's so exciting and new. They've imagined it and hoped for it and prayed for it and dreamed about it. We're thrilled to share the journey of growing into parenthood with them. 

visualbiblealive.com

Mary had to let go of her dreams before her betrothal even grew into marriage.

To make room for Jesus, she had to accept some losses. Since she was in a legally binding agreement to become Joseph's wife, only divorce could break the bond. Her plans and expectations, and those of her girlfriends and family members, dissolved in the sudden, hardly believable story that she would be visited by God Himself and implanted with a baby who would be great, God's Son who would reign eternally. 



The angel Gabriel was so tender as he explained that the young Mary of Nazareth had found grace/favor with God and was chosen to bear the baby generations of women craved - the Messiah.  (Read her story here.) As a virgin, the honor came with the heavy certainty of shame and disgrace and misunderstanding. But Mary believed Gabriel (Luke 1:45).  To make room for Jesus Mary had to clear all of her own plans and preparations out of the way. 

• She gave up her own plans for how her marriage and family would happen, and instead she accepted God's better plan.  She valued God's plans over her own dreams.
• 
  
• She gave us her preparations for what her engagement and wedding would look, trusting God to do what had never been done and make it best. She had the wisdom to go to Elizabeth as her godly mentor for support and guidance.
• 
  
• She gave up her pride, trusting God to care for her as His servant. Her earthly reputation was exchanged for heavenly reasons. 

visualbiblealive.com

It was so much to ask a young girl to move in her own life and heart in order to make room, but she was making room for the Son of God, and she was glad to prepare the way for Him in her heart. She treasured all that happened and considered it carefully. It prepared her for the hard road ahead on the very pregnant road to Bethlehem, all the way to the base of the cross where she saw her Son make room for the world. 

~ What are you dreaming about for your future? Are you willing to let go of your plans or preparations to make room for Jesus?

~ If you knew letting God steer your life would bring Him glory, would you feel more willing to let Him do things that are hardly believable, unusual, or even misunderstood?

To make sure you don't miss any of those who Prepared Him Room, subscribe to emails here  and get all of the Advent season posts.

A180 View & A Giveaway!

How do you do with the 180 view? You know... instead of just looking at those people directly in your line of sight, being intentional to look side to side and "see" others. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own "stuff" that I miss others around me. Today we're headed to the Vanderbilt Voice Center (I appreciate your prayers!) to see what we can find out about the challenges with my voice; it's easy to just see our own needs/pains when we're in a trial. I was reminded this morning that following Jesus means we don't just get stuck in direct line of sight. We "see" the 180.

"For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised" (2 Cor. 5:14-15).

It's oh, so "me" to live for myself. In this season of Thanksgiving, I'm asking the Lord to help turn my eyes to those in my 180. Will you do that with me? Who are they Lord? What do they need? Where are they? How can I love You by loving them?

Today Hearts at Home is asking what 5 things our families give us so we can "have more." It sets us up to have more available, so we can respond to the needs of those in our 180. Here are the 5 things that came to mind from the Sanders family:

1. Car #3 - Despite the fact that it would be helpful with teens, we are car sharing. I'm finding it's keeping me "at home" more, and that's a good thing!
2. Gadgets - We are not the first (or 2nd ... or 3rd ...) to get new gadgets. I appreciate the simplicity it adds. I'm not sure the kids would agree. ;)
3. Room Makeovers - Resourcefulness is our friend, but we are not ones to devote a lot of money or time into making our HGTV visions become a reality. 
4. Clothing Trends - I'm not saying godly should be frumpy ;) but we have chosen not to be in the habit of regularly shopping or of shopping where it takes a lot of resources.
5. Pocket $ - Ahhh, we have teens, and this is a challenging one. We "turn the wallet faucet off" so it doesn't drip dollar bills and 5$ bills day after day. Little things can really add up.

These are just 5 things we save on, so we can do more ... like saving up for meaningful experiences together, regularly tithing, being part of what's going on in missions, and having "generous spaces" in our budget so we can give to those in our 180.

GIVEAWAY:   What are you doing to save so you can have more of what matters?  Leave a comment to win a copy of Jill Savage's book "Living Less So Your Family Has More."   (I'll announce the winner Saturday!)

Touched by Ugly & Penn State

No one wants to be part of "ugly," but the truth is that sometimes ugly is out there. Most of are quick to gasp or shake our heads when watching reports about child abuse exposed in prominent places like Penn State or in our own neighborhoods, but we resist letting the ugly touch us.  But it does.


The American Academy of Pediatrics defines child abuse as "when a person (adult or child) takes advantage of a child in a sexual way." And if you've heard that a child's abuser is usually someone they know, you've heard correctly. We're hearing that in the details unfolding on the Pennsylvania campus. Such abuse shakes the foundation of a child's trust compass, and that's more than hard to restore.


In a world where parents are okay with kids playing games involving bloody violence and wearing costumes portraying characters who beat, tease, and threaten, I wonder why we gasp so much when we hear that children have found themselves the victims of real life people like that and have not known what to do. Why are we so surprised it's part of the fabric of our world? From the time of a child's birth, our culture moves the line of acceptable touch and appropriate relating, until we find ourselves at the place where about 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys are abused sexually in their childhood years. That changes a childhood. That changes an adulthood.


Our local homeless shelter teaches that the one factor most homeless and addicted adults share in common is that of childhood sexual abuse. The National Children's Advocacy Center reports that adults who suffered abuse as kids are more likely to grow up and experience illnesses like heart disease, auto immune disorders, migraines, and obesity, to name a few. They're also more likely to face mental disorders like anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and panic attacks. And they're more likely to put themselves in places where they keep being abusive to themselves and letting others abuse them, practicing eating disorders, sexually reckless behaviors, selt-mutilation, and drug use. Child abuse keeps abusing.


God hates child abuse. He hasn't just learned to just gasp and shake. In fact, He feels so strongly that Jesus said,  "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matt. 18:5-7).


God wants us to receive children with the same kind of love He does, and that means we have to learn how to see them.  If you've ever looked into the eyes of an abused child (and I bet we all have ...) you might find their gaze is lowered or angry, and they may hide behind a thin wall of bangs and a thicker one around their heart. If child abuse really offends us, we should learn how to "see" it.


Focus on the Family provides this list of symptoms to make us more aware of how to do a better job of putting the line of kindness to children back where it should be. We can gasp and shake our heads, but it doesn't really make any difference until we're willing to learn and maybe get involved in some "ugly" on behalf of those less vulnerable who aren't sure how to speak for themselves.


Would you be willing to pray the risky prayer of asking God to teach you how to "see" children in trouble?

If you've been the victim of childhood sexual abuse yourself, and the odds are that more than one person reading this is, I highly recommend this excellent book by Sharon Jaynes - Your Scars Are Beautiful to God. 

Marriage Mondays: What do you throw out?

I've had a lot of moments in the past few weeks when I wanted to speak .... but couldn't. There's a story behind my silence, but I've been thrust back into a place where every word is precious and a reason for thanks. As my words gradually come back, I start to get careless about how I use the gift of spoken words. I wish I could say I've used every word well, but that might be a little like Solomon saying he only ever kissed one girl or like Peter saying he didn't have an anger problem. If I'm honest (and I want to be honest!) I have to admit that some of my words have been sharp, impulsive, and hurtful. If you're honest (and I want you to be honest too!) how would you say you're using your words ... you know, in the "only family-private-won't tell-forgiven" moments?


The house beside us is situated so our porch swing has a view (and an ear) to whatever happens on their front porch, in their garage, or on their back deck. I should probably tell the new neighbors this when I go over to "bake and bless" with a welcome loaf. ;) I'm sure the realtor left out that little tid bit. I didn't get to know the last lady of the house very well; she was a hard one to pin down.  But I heard her.


In the years we sat on our swing beside her house (and sometimes from inside OUR house) I got to know her quite well ... through her words. Her daughter was in middle school when we moved in, and now she's in college. Her mom's male friend was often there, and the mixture of the 3 lives brought out a lot of word from the lady of the house. Don't get me wrong; we weren't TRYING to listen. We were trying to swing or chat or have dinner or entertain friends or watch tv or cookout or work in the yard. But as we lived life beside her, we all heard her words. Angry words. Cutting words. Hateful words. Loud words. Fast words.

And we heard the tears from the beautiful young daughter who wanted to grow up and go away. We heard the strong defenses and exasperation of the man-friend who left the house where the poisonous tongue lived. And when they moved away, the lady of that house ordered a dumpster, so she could yell directions and declare little value and have a place for angry things to go ... and they filled it up. From the porch swing I could see the dumpster filled with the garbage created by all of that lady's angry words.

"And a fool’s voice is known by his many words... For in the multitude of dreams and many words there is also vanity." But fear God. Eccl. 5:3b, 7

"In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise." Proverbs 10:19

I'll admit it. I really want my words back. All of them, and all of their strength. Jeff and I are going to the Vanderbilt Voice Center on Thursday to explore what has and is happening to my voice (I'll keep you posted). But in the process, God is reminding me of how important it is to use my words well, not to be a "fool's voice," but to be one who restrains my lips with wisdom. That's not always easy, is it? And He's reminding me that He can silence me if I give in to temptation and end up with a life of refuse and garbage from the way I use my tongue.

• How are you speaking to your husband? To those in your life?
• Are you using your tongue to bless and lift and encourage, or have you fallen into a toxic trap?

I wonder who's listening to OUR words ... from a porch or a table beside us or an office phone near us or a pew nearby.  Let's pray and ask God to give us reminders to use our words well. Imagine He's sitting on the porch swing just outside your window ... listening. :)

Marriage Mondays: What are You Waiting For?

It's not hard to figure out why a book titled What are You Waiting For? - The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex intrigued me. After all, I'm the mother of two teenagers, and I'm always on the lookout for great resources. I'm also also keeping my eyes open for books to recommend in our Women's Ministry and to you, my lovely Come Have a Peace readers. I don't recommend books lightly. There's a lot of garbage out there.

When I read, I'm always looking for a book that: 

• is compatible with God's Word, not contradictory
• helps me know God better, not confuse me
• takes my thoughts to godly things, not worldly things
• makes me more like Jesus, not more like His enemy

I don't ever want to recommend a title here unless it meets that criteria. When I picked up this new title from Dannah Gresh, I was expecting a helpful book for my teens and for other moms of teens ... and I was right, in part. 


Dannah is the author of And the Bride Wore White and Lies Young Women Believe (co-authored w/Nancy Leigh DeMoss). In What Are You Waiting For Dannah really does share something no one ever told me about sex!  No kidding.  And it really does rock my marriage world.  NOOOOOO ... I'm not going to tell you and spoil it! :)   I want you to read it for yourself and be so moved, as I was. She also deals with topics like honest talk about pornography, lesbianism, dealing with sexual guilt, intimate boundaries before marriage, and what's behind the power of romantic bonds before we say "I do." Some writers address delicate topics that deserve to be approached with dignity in an undignified manner, but Dannah dealt with issues like masturbation and virginity with respect and truth.


I've already told my daughter she HAS to reach this asap. I can't wait to talk to her about it, and I want her to share it with her friends. But what I didn't expect was that I would want to share it with MY friends. Dannah did more than share meaningful statistics and practical advice (tho' that's in there, too), she presents deep Biblical teaching in a really accessible, unintimidating way. What she shares gave me insight that unlocked some understanding about "old things" in my dating past, my courtship with Jeff, and our 21+ years of marriage.  I had more than a few "ah ha" moments while reading What are You Waiting For. 


The time changed this weekend, and that means darkness comes a lot earlier and lasts a lot longer. If we're not careful, we can waste a winter of early evenings doing things like hopping around social media sites for hours on end or catching ever episode of Season 2 Ice Road Truckers.  Can I challenge you, blog friend, to pick up a good book and use the time to strengthen your spirit and use the cold season as a time to deepen your roots and grow? 


Dannah says, "My sexual desire is meant to draw me to my husband, and any act that does otherwise abuses and misuses that desire."  What are You Waiting For is a must read for teenagers looking to walk with God through years of romance readiness, but it would be a shame for college gals and adult women (and I told Jeff I want him to read it), single or married, to miss out on this enlightening read.


You can find out more about Dannah's ministry and What are You Waiting For here on her website.

It's going to get dark earlier tonight on this Marriage Monday .... what will you read to help you be a wife who is drawn to her husband?

Cultivating Confident Kids

Did you see the news about the school shooting that was meant to be bigger than the Columbine shooting of 1999? 

Many parents nowadays do their children a disservice. By hearing things like "You're the best" or "You can achieve anything you want" or "You'll always be a winner" ... we set our kids up for false confidence. The more I know God, the more I understand that the truth is I am weak, and He is strong, and I can do nothing apart from Him. Our kids are in the process of understanding that. They need "real confidence," and they can have it.

The more I seek God, the more confident I am.

Real confidence is based on God's constant protection. If you saw how Jared Cano's plans to carry out a school shooting in Tampa, FL were thwarted Wednesday, you probably need confidence for your child, too. This morning I told the officer (can you believe it?) at our high school "Thank you so much for being here." But real confidence is based on God's constant protection.


Psalm 27 tells us God invites us to seek Him (v.8). We can do that, because He shelters us (vv.5-6), even when we feel vulnerable and unsheltered by others who should shelter us.

Knowing God wants to be sought as our shelter caused the Psalmist to lead the way in a confident response: We will worship Him (vv. 4-6).  We believe He will hear us and do good (v.13).  We will have a teachable spirit to be led by Him (v.11).

Confidence in God, according to Psalm 27, is the answer for things like evil doers, adversaries, foes, armies, wars, false witnesses, and even plans for school shootings in 2011.   Knowing this, the Psalmist wants ONE THING from God:

"One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life"

If you have a child or a friend or a loved one, they WILL face a crisis sometime this year. I will face a crisis sometime this year, and so will you. Don't brace yourself in fear. Seeking God in a crisis cultivates confidence.  It gives us the guts to shout with David:

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

Stick THAT in your child's lunchbox! :) The more they seek Him, the more confident they'll be. Cultivate that real confidence by:

1. Praying using God's words with your child.
2. Reading scripture together daily, even if it's a "bite." 
3. Keeping verse cards in the car, so you don't let them go without some truth.
4. Praying at strategic times, like when they go to a place like school or an event.
5. Saying out loud that you are confident God will be with, watch over and hear them.

I want to share this prayer with you, based on Psalm 27. It's set on a photograph that will help to imprint the image on your heart and mind (or that of your child) that God is our confidence, and on HIM we can stand firm. Why not pray this prayer with your child before they go to school or to "that practice" or into "that group" of kids or wherever they go? It's based on Psalm 27 and uses words right out of scripture. I pray it will help your child to be filled with a fresh wind of confidence and that you might find you're swept up in that too!

Psalm 27 Prayer

Top 5 School (& Life) Supplies

I sent the kids off today with checks to pay the (many) fees,  binders full of paper, a planner :), and a packed lunch.  I want them to feel prepared. I want them to have confidence. Okay ... honestly, I want to go with them!  :)  But the most important things they need to be prepared for whatever they'll face aren't the visible things.  And I know I'm not the most important thing they need either.


As I'm concentrating on a good launch of a new school year this week, I find the supplies they need to take to their 2000+ student high school are the same ones I need to take with me wherever I am during my day. After several days of reading syllabi, signing forms, and checking supply lists, I think these 5 "items" are the top items to take to school ... or anywhere ... where we need to be prepared for life and have confidence.

5 School & Life Supplies
1)  God is with me in every place. (Joshua 1:9)
2)  God watches over me at all times. (Psalm 121:3-4)
3)  God hears me when I call to Him. (Jeremiah 29:12)
4)  God gives me the path I need to follow.(Psalm 119:104-106)
5)  God blesses me as I obey Him. (Psalm 1:1-3)

There are certain things you can't "go to life" (or school) without. It doesn't matter if you're in a huge public high school, a small private school, or a home school. These supplies for life give us confidence. I'm praying that, as the day unfolds for the 2 people who are growing up before my eyes, they'll remember these "supplies for life" as they encounter people and situations on their own.


I'm not going to be with my kids for every doubt or question or challenge they face. And I won't have a Jeff or a "gal pal" with me in every challenge I face. But God will be with me, watching, hearing, guiding, and blessing.  That gives ME confidence!  

• If you have growing kids, what is a "must have" you're giving them for confidence? 
• And how about you? 
• What "life supply" gives you the most confidence?
  

Marriage Mondays ~ The monster is here ...

Despite the fact we're in our 22nd year of married life, I still really miss Jeff when he travels. Today he'll have to be greeted by a woman with bags under her eyes ... I just haven't slept well without my man this week. He comes home this afternoon!!! Yay!


Another big event today is the 1st official day of school; I'll send both kids off to high school. Jacob has been at home for middle school, so this is a big day ... for all of us! The start of a school year is a mixture of excitement and uncertainty. I've been a public school teacher, a home school teacher, a home school consultant, a student teaching mentor, an adjunct college professor, a christian school mom, a private school mom, and a PTA mom. I love having glimpses, understanding, and appreciation of each. School has been a big part of my life, so I see a new year from many angles. Some of my happiest moments have been "in school" in one way or another. At the risk of you leaving the page, I have to admit I do love "school."  :)


"School" impacts married life. No matter how you do it, if school is in your life, it makes a difference. If you don't think this applies to your season, consider other women you know ... and hit the "forward" button when you reach the end. They need to be warned of the "monster" lurking at their marriage door.



Setting boundaries helps to keep school from becoming the "monster" it may become. Talking openly helps a lot, so you're on the same page in the "school notebook," and you can be united with children, teachers, etc. It can dominate our time, energy, identity, and attention if we're not careful.  Talking about the potential monster helps couples help each other.

It's interesting that in Titus 2, older women are called to "train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."  Self control is a way to love our husbands and children. Having a good testimony means women aiming to love their husbands, while raising young children, must exercise certain characteristics ... the first of which is "self-control."  That means we can't allow school to be a monster, and we can't become the monster ourselves.

A married woman is first a wife ... not a homework helper, home school mom, PTA parent, room mother, or teacher.
 

In honor of the first day of school ... "THE SCHOOL MONSTER"

A monster just arrived today; he's been this way before,

Bringing things like homework, fees, and projects to our door.

He's subtle when he comes at first and says he'll do us good,

Assuring us with things to know and dangling more we "could."

We'll ask him in (we do each year); he'll come with just a book.

It won't be long 'til monster's things are everywhere you look.

He'll have taken up the spaces where we used to stop and pray,

Wiggled into quiet where we start and end our day.

He'll find his way into the things we did at church to serve.

He'll try to be the Master of our kingdom. He has nerve!
If he senses we are catching on and limiting his size,

Monster will assure us with a twinkle in his eyes.

He'll tell us that our monster makes us better than the rest.

He'll stroke us with some facts, some testimonials and tests.

He won't be satisfied to go in rooms where we allow.

He'll even find his way into our bedroom chats somehow.

He'll try to take the place of others in our life we need,

Like worship and like reaching out and time to do good deeds.

The more we feed our monster with the morsels of our life,

He will grow and strengthen, and he'll assign us strife.

This is not to say that monsters are not good to know.

They bring learning to the young and old and even help us grow.

So now that monster's here again, I admit he isn't wrong,

As long as we make sure he stays the size that he belongs.

"School" in your life can be such a wonderful privilege and help, but beware of letting it become a monster in your marriage.

What can you do to keep the "school monster" the right size in your life?

Here's to all we'll learn this year,

Having a hard time trusting?

Yesterday I realized I'm having a hard time trusting. I had just dropped Jacob off at the pool ... on his own, and JoHanna was taking the car to drive herself to practice. In what feels like such a short time, my kids have become so independent. I'm trying to sound upbeat when they leave and say, "Have fun! Be careful" with a smile ... but inside I want to shout, "Come back!" A new season has arrived for me ...

We can never "cover all the bases" to avoid mishaps, pain, and problems. Jeff is in India ... I'm trusting he'll return safely. Both of the kids will be in high school next week ... I'm trusting they'll choose friends wisely and be safe in a crowded high school. Our oldest is driving off on her own, daily. Every time of life requires trust. How are you having to "trust" in your season? 


New seasons and unexpected events stretch our trust. "Princes" of the Old Testament are leaders of governments today. So many who put their faith and trust in human leaders are reeling with the recent plunge of the financial markets and the conflict in governments around the world. They're men just like us.


Ultimately we can only put our trust in God. Only He can carry that load.

Psalm 146 shares a key statement, a command, with all of the last Psalms in the book: 146-150. "Praise the Lord!" It comes from the Hebrew word "Hallelu - yah," with the "yah" referring to Jehovah, the one true God. After declaring the intention to praise the one true God as long as he lives, the Psalmist gives us a warning and then the reasons behind it.(Read the 10 verse Psalm 146 here.)

Warning: "Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish" (vv.3-4).

Reasons why God is worthy of trust:  He is creator, provider, liberator, and healer, the God who is perfect, just, compassionate, enduring, perfect, and holy. (vv.5-10)


"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God" (v.5). He is our help and our hope. God is worthy of our trust.

• Unlike man ... There IS salvation in God.
• Unlike man ... His breath will never depart from Him.
• Unlike man ... He will never become dust.
• Unlike man ... His plans will never perish.

The one who deserves our trust deserves our praise. If you trust Him, praise Him!

Lord,
I'm feeling stretched by the way life is changing and the events of the week. I know You deserve to be trusted, and I want to put my confidence in You. Thank you for being my help and my hope, someone I can totally depend on. Whew! That feels better.