Marriage Mondays: Making Marriage FREE!

EXCITING NEWS COMING TOMORROW! Be sure to stop back in to Come Have a Peace!

Do you feel like a prisoner in your marriage? There's the "prisoner of love" kind of captivity, and then there's the "trapped in shackles" kind of bondage. What has a hold on you? Maybe you feel like a prisoner because you are.

Today at Do Not Depart I'm sharing about finding freedom and staying in it. What better place in life to apply this than in MARRIAGE? If we're looking to break away from things that enslave and defeat us, the answer is found in Christ. Read my post about DO. GO. STAND.  So how about finding and keeping freedom in marriage?

DO. GO. STAND.  in the wonderful world of marriage.

Photo by David Castillo Dominici

Why would anyone want to be married, but feel empty and imprisoned? That kind of relationship is on a slow slide down the hill of corrosion. In a marriage like that, the relationships and life around them fall apart. God doesn't want us to live that life either; He purchased our freedom from what would enslave our marriages. He broke the shackles of bitterness, unfaithfulness, pornography, unforgiveness, laziness, lying, and every other sin that robs a marriage of its freedom. "You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men" (1 Cor. 7:23). If you want to stay together ... be free.

Freedom is in God's presence. You GO girl!  Go to God's presence daily to find the freedom from sin and hang ups that threaten to keep your marriage from being all it can be!

To have a free marriage, we have to live in God's Spirit and walk out that fruit daily. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Cor. 3:17). Our flesh battles God's Spirit in us. If you want to be free .... stay in the Spirit. (Galatians 5:16-25)

Once we experience freedom, the challenge is to stand firm in it and not use it as an excuse for our own selfishness, dysfunction, or stubbornness. "Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God" (1 Peter 2:16).  Our marriages miss out on freedom when we return to our evil habits. "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1). Prisoners don't willingly go back to their chains.  If you've got freedom ... don't use it to cover up evil.  

Pray about DO. GO. STAY. in your marriage .... Would you be willing to ask God to show you if there are areas you're covering up?  Areas where you're not living by the Spirit? Ways that He wants to grow the freedom in your marriage? Freedom is found in His presence .... Go there. 

If you want to be stay together ... be free!
If you want to be free ... stay in the Spirit!
If you've got freedom ... don't use it to cover up evil!

Marriage Mondays: Bedroom Boundaries

Do you ever feel like your husband is married to his phone, instead of you? Some people find it hard to disconnect from technology, especially phones, which are convenient enough to stash on a nightstand ... just to charge, of course. Is it hard for you to disconnect from your cell phone? Is it hard for your husband?

Last November, CNN contributor Bob Greene asked,  "Shouldn't we be spending less time checking and rechecking our many screens, large and small, and more time taking part in what used to be regarded as real life?"

Sometimes tech in intimate places causes problems; sometimes tech in intimate places covers up problems.

For a lot of people, distance from phones makes them feel like they might miss something. They're mentally creating status updates while in the midst of a conversation, or feeling the urge to "announce" all life events thru social media. Some spouses fight the urge to roll over and do quick check of Twitter or Facebook when they hear their phone vibrate or see the light of their screen. Have you ever stirred in the night, only to notice a blue glow coming from your spouse's side of the bed? Is it making you angry to fall asleep with Angry Birds? Some couples find the presence of technology in the bedroom interrupts their intimacy or at least stalls it or pours cold water on it.  Let's face it, it's not easy to be uninhibited when hundreds of followers are tweeting their presence.

If "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine..." (Song of Solomon 6:3a) then why invite someone else into our most private space to claim more than the nightstand?  Technology intruders claim our attention, our thoughts, and our affection.

Try these 7 bedroom boundaries

1. Leave all technology devices (phones, laptops, games, etc) out of the bedroom. 
2. Nightstands are off limits for phones ... even if they're just "charging." 
3. Only the 2 of you belong in your bed ... leave the "followers" in the kitchen.
4. If you're struggling with mental tech temptation, tell your spouse.
5. Practice tech rest periods in the day; mutually agree on the "when."
6. Model boundaries for your children; you'll do their spouse a favor.
7. It's only going to get harder to set boundaries; don't wait any longer.

Boundaries guard opportunities for conversation, affection, prayer, and intimacy.  Remove the distractions to your love life and your quality of rest.   After all, you are your beloved's, and he is yours.  Don't share each other with a phone.

What boundaries will help your bedroom be all it can be? You'll sleep better with boundaries, and you'll enjoy your spouse more, too. 

Be sure to stop over to the Mom Initiative today, where I'm posting about 7 Springtime Ingredients for Growing Children.

Marriage Mondays: Mockery free marriage

He had just finished his last college final exam, and their car was loaded down to make the trip from Utah to Idaho to see family. Travis knew his wife "was really tired." When he posed a math question to her, his young wife Chelsea became caught in a mental spin cycle she couldn't get out of. She was vulnerable.


For over 4 1/2 minutes, the young husband videotaped his wife's quandary, thinking, "Her family will think this is so funny." To find the video, all you have to Google is "stupid woman." You may be one of the 5.7 million who have watched Chelsea's trauma; the video has gone "viral." Did you think it was funny?



Finally, Chelsea said, "Please stop filming." What do you think those final words revealed about how she was feeling about the "game?"

The answer to that question could've saved Chelsea and Travis a lot of heartache. After Travis posted the video on YouTube, over 5 1/2 million people viewed it, landing the couple on ABC News for a national interview and a public apology from the head hanging husband. No one was laughing.

Marriage is never a platform for mockery. Along with finances, children, and toothpaste, a husband and wife share the keeping of one another's dignity. To mock is to treat someone with contempt or derision, making them appear ridiculous. If the heart of a husband is to trust in his wife (Prov. 31:11) and if a wife is to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33), mockery will leave deep wounds where it slices into the heart and mind of the loved one.

7 Tests for mockery in marriage:

1. Is there only 1 person laughing?
2. Does 1 person look foolish or less valuable?
3. Does 1 spouse feel vulnerable and uncertain?
4. After the teasing, do you feel closer and stronger or distant and weaker?
5. Mocking can be private or public; did 1 person feel the need to be protected?
6. Did 1 person ask (verbally or no-verbally) for the comments to stop?
7. Were both enjoying the exchange or just 1?

Mockery makes one person feel stronger and smarter, while making the other person feel insecure and foolish. We mock if we think of ourselves as more important that our loved one, when we fail to love unselfishly and with consideration. One mocks another in order appear funny, at the expense of the other person, or to feel superior by treating the other person with contempt.

Mockery leads to destruction of both the one crushed and the one who strikes the blows. Jesus was mocked by Herod, the soldiers, and the Jews of His day who counted His life of little value and His claims ridiculous. Just like those who scorned Jesus, husbands and wives who fall into mocking one another need forgiveness and grace to grow to be more like Jesus' example:

"When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.   He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:22-24

Praise God that Jesus wasn't destroyed, but He overcame the mocking so ours could be forgiven. Marriage requires much forgiveness and grace for the moments when our flesh overcomes our spirit and we injure each other. I really pray that this young couple, Travis and Chelsea, can experience forgiveness between them and can rebuild trust.  When one is hurt, both are hurt. 

Let's commit ourselves in a fresh way to being guardians of our spouse's dignity and trust. Let's commit ourselves to mockery free marriages!

Marriage Mondays: THIS is romantic!

It's been almost 22 years since Jeff and I made our vows to each other in a small stone church full of family and friends.  Romance has changed through the years, and what speaks to our hearts has grown up and seasoned. Today at Chrysalis Cafe, people are sharing about the topic of romance in marriage. There will be talk of foot rubs, candlelight dinners, babysitters, quiet moments, and conversation.  And there should be. But this past Saturday, I was blessed with a sweet expression that spoke "romance" to me. 

Plans had been made for an overnight backpacking trip at the end of the spring break week, but a re-injured ankle put a stop to that. I committed to speak at a women's tea, welcoming a new pastor's wife to the sweet family of ladies at First Baptist Church of Friendsville. Becky had been part of our staff, so it made it extra sweet to go serve with them. They asked me to share about "Becoming a Godly Servant."  Jeff and the kids had the morning together to go for a bike ride while I was gone to talk about being a servant.

That's when it happened. Jo thought to snap a picture for me, to show me the romance happening in the kitchen, though I wasn't even there. Jeff put up the chairs and scrubbed the kitchen floor for me. While Jacob was mowing and Jo was vacuuming, Jeff was on his hands and knees serving me. No candles, no music, no rubbing of feet, not even any "ME" present, but totally romantic. His act of serving spoke volumes of love to me. 


A servant has "this mind" that is "yours in Christ Jesus," and "this mind" is one that "counts others more significant than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3-7). It's the same attitude Jesus had that motivated Him to take on the form of a servant. It gets on the floor to clean, while the one it loves is gone. A servant has a change of thinking:

• YOU instead of ME
• US instead of I
• HIS glory instead of MINE

God is glorified by the romantic action of serving one another. I think He's glorified when Jeff rubs my feet, too, but that one's a little harder to sell. ;)

• How can I serve the one I love so I speak love to him?
• How can you serve your loved one today?

Marriage Mondays: Bottoms Up!

June traditionally has the most weddings, which means we're right on the doorstep of bridal shower season. I got TWELVE glass pitchers as wedding gifts! Isn't it strange that we spend so much time registering for, acquiring, and arranging things to make our "happily ever after" look good on top, but we don't do much to build its foundation? I don't think I've ever seen a single book on a gift list, and no one has EVER asked for $ towards a first marriage retreat. I shudder to think of the ratio of time spent on pre-marital counseling compared to time spent shopping, in showers, registering, and wedding planning. I could do a lot of pouring drinks when I got married, but I don't think I had much of a clue about how to refresh my husband's spirit. Why don't we invest more in the foundations of marriage?

Saturday night Jeff and I were invited over to our friends' home for a cookout. After dinner we toured the "man cave," where our Mr. Friend has just started building a boat (Mrs. Friend is totally supportive, so stay with me). When we opened the door to the shop, I expected to see a frame that said, "Boat." Instead, I saw some odd looking boards and architectural drawings. Closer inspection and lots of questions revealed that you build a boat from the bottom up. In fact, he'll build the bottom and then flip it to build top later. Turns out that the most important part of building a boat is the bottom, even though what we see is everything on top.

Our friends have invited us to come and go on a boat ride ... in 3 years when the boat is done. I'm really glad he's giving so much time and attention to the bottom, because even if a boat looks good on top, a weak bottomed boat is destined to sink. In the same way, a weak bottomed marriage is headed for a rough ride and possible sinking.

Is a wedding or a shower is on your calendar, leading up to the "most married month" of the year, I want to encourage you to give a gift that contributes to a strong bottom in the marriage. And if you feel like it doesn't look very "fun," wrap it in a glass pitcher. :)

Here are a few books I think make great gifts for engaged or newly married couples:


(I am linked as an Amazon affiliate, so if you make a purchase after clicking from Come Have a Peace, I do get a small % to help with blog costs.)

Marriage Mondays: 7 Neighbor Fences

Did you know there's more than one commandment about marriage? We all know the adultery one, but how about the "Love your neighbor as yourself" one? How do you love your married neighbor?

The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.   Romans 13:9-10

Single or married, everyday we women live around people who are married. Some of our "neighbors" are married men = someone else's husband. Some of our neighbors are married women. I love this version (NIV) that says "Love does no harm to a neighbor." We can harm our neighbor if we aren't careful about our conduct. We can "steal" the affections and loyalty of a man for his wife, and we can rob others of the oneness they experience. If we're married, the neighbor that's closest to home (a.k.a. our husband) can be wronged by the disrespect and careless behavior of a wife who isn't watching how she walks around others. Husbands and wives are mixing in new ways, as more and more neighborhoods are sprinkled with stay-at-home dads who have entered the "Mom's world," and more women are walking the corridors of the workplace. "Loving your married neighbor" is tricky when genders do life together, side by side.

ABC news reports that more and more men are starting "to embrace the role of Mr. Mom" as a result of the recent economic roller coaster. The U.S. Census Bureau also agrees that the number of dads who have gone from being the primary breadwinner to the primary caregiver at home has grown. As men swap traditional places with their wives, they've also faced some of the isolation that stay-at-home moms have known. Dads have started turning up at "Parents' Day Out," library groups, play groups, and even ... Target! One mom shared with me that a stay-at-home neighbor dad reached out to her and her kids for play dates and companionship, but she was confused when the daytime friendship started to feel like something more than familiar girlfriend  bonding. Feelings of friendship can gradually change into feelings that are not truly loving or godly. She was starting to "love her neighbor" in a wrong way.

Now that more dads are in daytime/play group circulation, how can we love "neighbor man" and "neighbor lady" well? 

Whether we're in the office, at a play group, or posting a status on Facebook, God calls us to love our neighbors His way. Economy and work style don't change the standard. Use wisdom with your "neighbor" friends, whether they are a husband staying home or a wife over the fence.

7 Fences to Love Your Neighbor Well:

1. keep daytime chats to public locations out in the open
2. keep play dates and activities group events, instead of paired parent events
3. keep your spouse informed about and involved in your daytime friendships
4. keep your testimony and your family reputation in mind
5. keep your spouse's trust your priority
6. keep love for your neighbor the standard, whether it's purity towards a man or honor towards a woman
7. keep your womanly friendships growing & engaged in accountability

As roles change, let's not fall asleep at the marriage wheel. With God's help, we can love our neighbor man and neighbor lady, whether it's in an office or across the sidewalk.

• Have you or someone you know had to do a role switch as a result of the economy?
• What boundaries work for you for the men in your work environment? (home OR office?)

Marriage Mondays: Are you a doormat?

Are you worried that if you put your husband's needs above your own, you'll someday look up and realize you're a doormat? The United States exports ideas to other cultures, and our thoughts about women are sweeping the rising culture of India where 1.2 billion people live. During our Global Impact Conference last week, one of our partners from India shared with me about the trend among young Indian women who embrace the image of power, assertiveness, and independence. In a country dealing with poverty and human rights, a new generation of women wants to be sure they do not become the doormats of the future. Does God ever say He values the "doormat" quality of a woman?

For our Conference, we hosted a couple from Thailand last week, and since their diet is very different from ours, we try to help them feel at home. That meant noodles for breakfast. :) We love them so much. One morning my sweet friend prepared breakfast for her husband as he worked, concentrating on heavy correspondence he was receiving from home. His mind was clearly far away, though his wife quietly put all of the food in front of them at the table. He didn't stop. She waited. He thought. She waited. His brow furrowed. She waited.

I watched and thought ... "I would be eating by now. Maybe he likes cold noodles, BUT I DON'T!"

She waited. Finally, he closed his work, and the two of them bowed together and prayed before they ate ... together. I told myself it was cultural. I told myself she didn't have to wait for him. I told myself he could've paid attention to her while the noodles were hot. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I should, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3). Sometimes that means patiently waiting out of honor, even if your noodles get a little cold.

My beautiful friend is not a doormat; she is such a strong woman of God who practices and exhibits her great strength by choosing to yield her rights and lift up her husband. Her man is a bold and mighty leader of his tribe, and I know that her willingness to honor him has added to his effectiveness, reputation, and joy.

God tells women today that He considers a gentle and quiet spirit to be beautiful (1 Peter 3:3-5). He's not referring to our volume at all, but referring to a heart attitude that yields, a humble spirit that counts others as more important than ourselves. Sadly, women in the 1.2 billion people of India aren't getting that message from the United States; all women around the world need to know God's timeless message of beauty. They need to know that there is honor in yielding.

"For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands" (1 Peter 3:5).  Be relieved that God isn't painting a picture of a doormat. He is painting the picture of strong women with beautiful, humble hearts.

• When you have the chance to yield to or wait on your husband, what are you most likely to do? 
• How do you think your husband would feel if you counted him as more significant than yourself?

A taste of the world!

Cooking is far from the usual in my kitchen this week, while we host our Global Missions Conference. My friend from Thailand showed me how to make an awesome stir-fry! I stocked up on quick lunch components to send off with the kids, since I know life is a bit crazy around here this week.



Last night we had all of the missionaries to our home for dinner. After an "American style" meal, two of our couples made us their national drinks: Cocido from Paraguay and Chai from India. The kitchen was busy with spices and strainers and dry tea mixes and couples doing what is universal ... trying to work together miraculously as one! The result was delicious, and we all enjoyed sampling the culture.

Jacob enjoying Terere with little MK Jordan 

We finished the evening with a time of prayer, shared in five different languages. It's amazing that God understands every tribe and tongue and extends His love to all of us. His heart for the world is not limited. The sound of voices lifting praise in the languages of people of the world ... beautiful.

It's a full and wonderful week here for us. We appreciate your prayers, and I'll look forward to sharing more with you!

Marriage Mondays: 50 golden years!

The U.S. Census reports that almost 1/3 of all American adults never get married. I'm in a rare group of American "children" - Last week my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary! That doesn't happen much anymore. From deep in the mountains where the roads are black satin ribbons in and out of the hollows, God brought my mom to where she met my dad, just outside of the Nation's capital. What a journey they've had in their 50 years. By reaching their golden anniversary, they pass on a rare legacy to me.

"According to the census statistics, more than half of the nation’s married couples have been together at least 15 years. About a third have marked their 25th anniversaries, and 6 percent have been married more than 50 years" (Washington Post, May 2011).

Today, fewer adults marry at all, and of those who do marry, they're usually older when they take the plunge. Let's face it, for two to become one as husband and wife, a real miracle has to happen. Marriage will not be without conflict, misunderstanding, and hardship. At a lot of those "crisis points," marriages fall apart; in working with married couples, Jeff and I have found that couples face unique pressure points at years 7 and 14. God doesn't want any of us to be stuck in loveless marriages. He wants to change our loveless marriages into miracles. The rewards of getting through the hard times are so sweet.

“But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:10

Only 6% of all couples in the US today will get to the "50 mark."  Not many of us hang in there long enough to "come forth as gold" in marriage.  If you're in the midst of some of the squeeze of married life, are you committed to persevering?


Have you thought about what you want your relationship to be like at 50 years? In honor of my parents' 50th, take a moment and fill in the thoughts below, in anticipation of reaching your golden anniversary!

When we have been married 50 years, I hope we'll look back and see that
__________________________________________________.  I want us to know we used our lives together to _______________________________________________________.  I hope we'll know what it's like to _____________________________________________________ since we persevered in marriage. When we face the hardships that will come, I will look ahead to the _____________________________________________________ that we'll experience when we reach our golden anniversary. I want our oneness to leave a legacy that is _____________________________.

Happy anniversary to my golden mom and dad! And happy anniversary, sweet readers, in anticipation of being among those who persevere long enough to know the sweetness of being "rare!"

Marriage Mondays: 5 Perks of a Cafe Table

Since starting “7 Days in a Café,” I’m observing a lot more than just the depth of the whip on my latte. While sitting in a café with a young gal I’m mentoring, I noticed that most of the tables around us were occupied by couples. Not surprising … after all, it was the weekend before Valentine’s Day and a place known for its French crepes. Thus, the heavy concentration of couples.

The Nutella crepes may draw people in (YUM!); it certainly isn’t the comfort of the café tables and chairs. The seating is small, metal, and cold. I almost felt like I had to sit up straight like the Eiffel Tower so I wouldn’t fall out of my chair. I wanted to suggest to Monsieur Le Proprietor (I really don’t think that’s French) that they put a little cushion on each of the chairs and that they get bigger chairs. After all, no one who frequents a crepe café is going to fit on a teeny tiny metal chair. Just sayin’ …

The couples didn’t seem to care about the chairs. There were young ones and older ones and “how did they end up together?” ones. They each claimed a café table of their own, and I observed them. This is what I learned:

5 Perks of a Café Table

• If you sit at a café table, it’s easier to share crepes.
• If you sit at a café table, it’s easier to listen well.
• If you sit at a café table, it’s easier to notice details about your partner.
• If you sit at a café table, it’s easier to hold hands.
• If you sit at a café table, it’s easier to feel private, and that leads to intimacy.

In our busy world it isn't easy to shut out what's around us to focus on each other and enjoy each other. It's God's plan that we should.  "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love" (Prov. 5:18-19).  By intentionally and physically drawing away and drawing close, we set ourselves up to rejoice in each other, to satisfy each other, and to captivate each other. You're more likely to have the opportunity to be be captivated at a table for two. 

When I was growing up my dad always asked for a “bigger table,” preferably a booth. That’s great for a group or for “Kids Menu” kind of meals, but a small café table has its perks. Next time you go out (and you should go out), whether it’s a McDonald’s or a pizza place or a café with a Monsieur, choose a little table for two. Don’t be shy about saying, “We’d rather not have a big table or a booth. Maybe something small, like at a crepe place.” You’ll be so glad you did.

Marriage Mondays: Are Valentine's Green?

Does anyone out there have a green Valentine to give to your sweetheart tomorrow? I bet not, because Valentine's aren't green. Jealousy was never evidence of true love. In fact, a glimpse of a "little green monster" is a sure sign that something rotten lurks at the heart of a relationship. 

Whitney Houston contributed more than one iconic love songs in her time, some of which are the "soundtracks" of my early relationship experiences. Hers was the kind of voice that made me want to close my eyes and hold my arms out and spin around ... away from chairs and tables. ;) When she was found lifeless on Saturday afternoon, the media lit up with remembrances of her life and musical gift, overflowing to the Grammy Awards stage. Sadly, reporters that followed her rise to stardom noted that she was a "church girl" whose life took a wrong turn when her marriage to Bobby Brown became filled with jealousy that led to substance abuse and, ultimately, destroyed her gift and her life. 


Jealousy is not the color of true love. "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous" (1 Cor. 13:4a).  "For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?" (I Cor. 3:3). No one gives a green Valentine, because jealousy is not the gift we give when we love someone else more than we love ourselves. It's not the gift we give when we are striving to show God's kind of love every day. Jealousy can creep up on marriages both famous and common, fresh and seasoned, young and old.  

Satan knows how to insert jealousy into a marriage:

• suggestions that we are not lovable
• suggestions that someone else is pursuing our mate
• suggestions that our mate is not faithful
• suggestions that God doesn't want our best
• suggestions that we have to guard something before our own heart

Is your heart turning ever so slowly green? 
Have you allowed jealousy to rob "your Love" of "your love?" 

A green heart will destroy us and the love we are meant to enjoy. Let's give our sweethearts Valentines this week, but let's not make them green.

Marriage Mondays: 10 Valentine's Gifts for Your Man

I'm pretty sure Jeff will never give me a commemorative Superbowl jersey for Valentine's Day ... because I wouldn't want it. He has a good grasp of what I love, and he knows "football jersey" just won't ever show up on my list. But this post isn't about how get our man to know what to put on OUR list of "happies." No, this post is about 10 Valentine's Gifts for Your Man. Do you know what your man really wants? What would shout "love" to him?

In talking about how older wives influence younger wives, they're supposed to "urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God" (Titus 2:4-5). Valentine's Day is a good opportunity to get busy and show kindness and love to our husbands, by learning what means a lot to them. It's pretty cool that in loving our man well, we honor the word of God!  Woohoo!  In case you're waffling between Couples Massage (shame on you ... just admit that's selfish ;) ) and a Pedi for 2, let me give you some other ideas to think about.

10 Valentine's Gifts for Your Man

1. Say "thank you for" and add on a specific ending of your own, like "taking out the trash so much," or "helping with the dishes," or "being careful with our money," or "going to church with me regularly," or "making me feel safe." Say thank you, and look in his eyes when you do it.
2. Touch him with intimate intentions. A little batting of the eyelashes is a nice complement to this one. 
3. Watch his tv show with him. Jeff is currently loving "Gold Rush Alaska," so I am hoping for the camps to bring in enough gold to make the summer a success ... right along with my man. ;) Don't call us Friday nights at 9 pm. ;)
4. Have an awesome dinner ready for him. This one will have to wait for Wednesday for me, but it will happen!
5. Put a little something flirtatious in his bag, brief case, etc. You be creative. Red IS a Valentine color ...
6. Go have lunch with him at his work place. 
7. Give him a direct invitation to intimacy. Deliver it early in the day via email or text or phone, so he can enjoy the anticipation, but then be prepared to deliver!
8. Speak well of him to another person.
9. Don't wear a whole bunch of flannel to bed and leave the door wide open "to hear the kids." :)  'Nuff said.
10. Ask for his opinion about something in your life ... work, kids' school, friendship, household item.

And hey, if all else fails, get a commemorative Superbowl jersey and wear it to bed. He'll probably like that too. ;)

• Tomorrow I'll be sharing a super easy Crescent Roll Valentine idea on Tasty Tuesday. 
• Later this week I'll be posting "Day Two" of 7 Days in a Cafe.

Marriage Mondays: Teen Reality Check

Having teenagers keeps you humble, with a generous smattering of "reality" tossed in. It's part of my Life Off Line. Like this weekend, when my two teens agreed and informed me that "Women my age" would probably appreciate what I was wearing. :) I was just trying to convince them to take it easy on me, over my plate of Hibachi Chicken (which they were BOTH picking at), when I opened a fortune cookie and read to them: "Your family is young, gifted, and attractive."  I felt set up. :) They insisted I put the fortune on the fridge at home and went on to drop one liners about the wisdom of fortune cookies. At least it gave me a chance to finish my Hibachi Chicken!

My fashion consultants  ;)

But a few days ago, our oldest teenager made an observation about marriage that rang oh, so true.

Jo - "Mom, you and dad don't do anything exciting anymore. Like you used to when you were dating. How come?"
Me - "Well, basically, 3 reasons: Time, Money, and YOU." (Said affectionately, of course)
Jo - "It seems like when you spend time together all you do is go out to eat."
Me - "We do more than that. We also go to Target!" :)
Jo - "Mom ...."
Me - "Honey, you aren't always aware of how we spend time together, and as life changes, it isn't always easy to do exciting things like you used to." (Yes, I know ... this sounds like a big lame excuse. Don't worry. She's about to blow it apart.)
Jo - "Mom, Jake and I are pretty grown up now. You don't need to stay home for us. We can take care of ourselves, and you can do more now."

.............. Total silence. Mom thinking. Mom realizing, "17 yr old daughter is right. Why am I still acting like I have toddlers?"

I'm thankful for wise moments with my teens, because Proverbs 23:15 says, "My son, if your heart is wise, My own heart also will be glad." So true, even when it means I'm learning.


Marriage seasons change, and in each season we need time alone with our spouse, to concentrate on each other and nurture the flames of our relationship. It's true that some times are less conducive to "exciting things," but those times don't last forever. And in every time, we need to make the most of our opportunities to enjoy all it is to be and live in love.

So my teenager was right. We don't always need to stay home "for them." We should do exciting things together ... without kids. 

There's always a way to spend time with your lover. It may not fit in the "exciting" category, but it can always fit in the "time together" category.

• If you have a baby, put that baby in their own bed, and go snuggle on the couch.
• If you have a toddler, shut that toddler's door and shut your own.
• If you have school age children, you should have a good babysitter by now ... use them, or swap nights with another couple.
• If you have teens, they're pretty grown up. You don't have to stay home with them. Go do something exciting.
• And if your kids are out of the nest, I'd love to hear how you're spending time together now ... I'm right behind you, and I hope it's going to be exciting!

What season of married life are you in? How are you spending time together?

Marriage Mondays: How do you do w/mess?

What makes you hard to live with? Are you afraid to go there? Even more afraid to ask someone else? It's not easy to face our "ugly spots;" we tend to want to cover up or stuff them. Real love doesn't back away from a mess.

Photo credit Flickr ~ Grace and Lily

I've been stuffing for the last six years.  In my closet. It's one of the ways I get a lot done. :) It's part of the "messy" in my Life Off Line. I just "stuff it" in there to deal with later. You can imagine where that got me! And can I say here that I fully intended to take a picture and show you, but it didn't happen, because ...

My Jeff really loves me, and he knew I needed help with my mess. He took his Saturday afternoon to tackle my mess. First he told me to keep in mind that anything to follow wasn't personal, a reflection on my worth as a person (he had a trash bag in hand), or his love for me. :) You may remember that when he helped with my pantry, I didn't respond with total grace. :/  So while I grabbed a Diet Dr. Pepper, he started emptying my vault. My first thought:  "Wow! I can pack a lot of stuff in a closet!"

It's hard enough to call a mess what it is, whether it's a closet, a habit, or a circumstance we've made, but it's harder to tackle  the mountain alone. Don't get me wrong; I'm not a candidate for "Hoarders," but that might only be because Jeff doesn't back off from a mess. A working friend is a blessing, and in marriage a spouse that will get dirty and make our mess their own is truly a gift. It's a timeless truth that, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor" (Eccl. 4:9). 

• Knowing we have to tackle a mess alone often keeps us from tackling it at all. 
• Our husbands are blessed when we allow them the privilege of meeting a need, lifting our load, and being our knight in shining closet organization. 
• They are helped when we come alongside them to help tackle their mountains with an attitude of humility and love, instead of criticism or belittling. 
• They don't want to see us standing in front of them with a trash bag in hand and a glimmer in our eye!

My closet wasn't my only mess, but it was a big one. I'll bet you have a mess somewhere. It may not be the shape of a closet. It may be habit-shaped or attitude-shaped or heart-shaped; whatever the shape of your mess or your husband's, real love won't back away. 

Today's Life Off Line Challenge:
- Ask God to show you an area in your life that needs to be addressed, instead of overlooked.
- Ask your husband if there's anything in his life that would be a relief to have help to take care of ... and then change your schedule to be his helper.

Marriage Mondays: 7 Real Habits of a Happy Marriage

One of the things I do "off line" each week is to meet with a group of young married ladies each Sunday night. Jeff meets with the husbands downstairs, while we gals gather upstairs. It's a sweet time of sharing, learning, and praying together. It's discipleship, mentoring, and growing together. We talk about what it means to be women who follow God and how that looks in our lives as daughters, friends, wives, and someday maybe moms. A couple of "my girls" have started to share with us that they're expecting their first baby, and I'm excited to go through this new part of life's journey together. I'll get to be with them as they become moms!

Today an awesome new online resource is launching to help moms in real life, in life off line. As part of the writing team of mentor moms at The M.O.M. Initiative, I'm working with my friend Stephanie Shott in our vision for moms to help mentor other moms. Check out The M.O.M. Initiative and share this excellent resource. 

Last night I asked my group of young wives what "real habits" they've found to be valuable in their early years of marriage. They've discovered some gems that will serve them well for years to come, habits that don't grow old in the blessings they insure. Here's what my girls had to say:

7 Real Habits of a Happy Marriage

1. Have breakfast in bed on Saturdays
2. Exercise together
3. Pray together in bed every night
4. Verbalize positives and affirmations often
5. Find activities the two of you can share
6. Eat dinner together at the table
7. No phones or TV allowed once you go to bed

1 Timothy 4:16 tells us to watch our "life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, for if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."

If we're careful to do and keep doing the godly habits of marriage that we have been taught, it will benefit us and those we talk to about marriage and family life.

• Have the good habits you once had grown cold? 
• Do you need a little stoking of the fire? 

I'm excited to say that my girls are off to a great start in real habits the will produce real joy in their pursuit of oneness!

Marriage Mondays: How to Have a Real Fight

Every real marriage has conflict, but is it right to work it out on line? Couples like Ashton and Demi Tweeted for the world to hear their hang ups. Should Marriage Mondays be a place to air my dirty laundry or rally support when I'm licking my own wedded wounds? How do we have real fights in a virtual world? 


Should a couple's conflict be taken public or kept private? Some forms of media are public. While we wouldn't stand in Target housewares and yell over to our husband in Electronics, "You aren't meeting my needs!" ... somehow there are those who feel like they can post it as a status and feel okay about it. Other forms of media are on line, but they're private:  texting, emailing, direct messaging. Can life on line have a healthy place in a "real fight?" 

How to Have a Real Fight

1. See eye to eye. We communicate much with facial expressions and body language (Luke 6:41-43).
2. Hear each other. Our mouth speaks what fills our hearts (Luke 6:45).
3. Touch each other. Bring down walls of defense w/real touch that conveys a soft answer (Prov. 15:1).
4. Taste your words. Instead of impulsively spewing bitter words verbally or in writing, consider their taste (James 3:10-11). 
5. Smell sweet as you fight. "Walk in love" as a "fragrant aroma" to God (Eph. 5:1-2). 

   

   photo: microsoftoffice

Real marriages encounter conflict. Women respect their husbands and men love their wives when we work out our differences with dignity off line. When it comes to conflict, let's keep it "real."

Today's Life Off Line Challenge:

1. Before you tweet or post something to or about your spouse, say it out loud.
2. Memorize Psalm 19:14 so the Holy Spirit has something to work with.

A Resource: For more inspiration and resources, online Christian colleges sometimes offer communication classes for couples.