Marriage Mondays: Making Marriage FREE!

EXCITING NEWS COMING TOMORROW! Be sure to stop back in to Come Have a Peace!

Do you feel like a prisoner in your marriage? There's the "prisoner of love" kind of captivity, and then there's the "trapped in shackles" kind of bondage. What has a hold on you? Maybe you feel like a prisoner because you are.

Today at Do Not Depart I'm sharing about finding freedom and staying in it. What better place in life to apply this than in MARRIAGE? If we're looking to break away from things that enslave and defeat us, the answer is found in Christ. Read my post about DO. GO. STAND.  So how about finding and keeping freedom in marriage?

DO. GO. STAND.  in the wonderful world of marriage.

Photo by David Castillo Dominici

Why would anyone want to be married, but feel empty and imprisoned? That kind of relationship is on a slow slide down the hill of corrosion. In a marriage like that, the relationships and life around them fall apart. God doesn't want us to live that life either; He purchased our freedom from what would enslave our marriages. He broke the shackles of bitterness, unfaithfulness, pornography, unforgiveness, laziness, lying, and every other sin that robs a marriage of its freedom. "You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men" (1 Cor. 7:23). If you want to stay together ... be free.

Freedom is in God's presence. You GO girl!  Go to God's presence daily to find the freedom from sin and hang ups that threaten to keep your marriage from being all it can be!

To have a free marriage, we have to live in God's Spirit and walk out that fruit daily. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Cor. 3:17). Our flesh battles God's Spirit in us. If you want to be free .... stay in the Spirit. (Galatians 5:16-25)

Once we experience freedom, the challenge is to stand firm in it and not use it as an excuse for our own selfishness, dysfunction, or stubbornness. "Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God" (1 Peter 2:16).  Our marriages miss out on freedom when we return to our evil habits. "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1). Prisoners don't willingly go back to their chains.  If you've got freedom ... don't use it to cover up evil.  

Pray about DO. GO. STAY. in your marriage .... Would you be willing to ask God to show you if there are areas you're covering up?  Areas where you're not living by the Spirit? Ways that He wants to grow the freedom in your marriage? Freedom is found in His presence .... Go there. 

If you want to be stay together ... be free!
If you want to be free ... stay in the Spirit!
If you've got freedom ... don't use it to cover up evil!

7 Ways to create a climate of sharing

When was the last time you borrowed something from a Neighbor? When my Neighbor was "Beth," I felt very comfortable to call or go over to borrow things all the time. But I don't have a "Beth" now, or I haven't found her yet, if I do. Maybe she's next door, and I don't even know it!


Convenience stores are neighbor killers.  Instead of putting aside our pride and putting down our guard to ask a neighbor to borrow something like a punch ladle or a cup of flour or an egg or a sled, we just run to the corner store (they're on EVERY corner in some places) or Wal-mart. Blessed are you and your Neighbor if you don't have access to convenience stores everywhere.

Proverbs 3:28
Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you.

O that we would be generous Neighbors. Maybe we're reluctant to borrow, because we don't want the Neighbor to get the wrong idea and start draining us dry by asking for things they need. If WE don't ask, THEY won't ask. Right?

Right.  And so if they don't even feel like they can ask for a cup of sugar, they certainly aren't ever going to say something like, "Things at our house have been really hard lately.  How do deal with life when you feel hurt and discouraged?" 

Maybe sharing our faith starts with sharing our sugar. 

7 Ways to create a climate of sharing:

1. Take something "extra" to your neighbor (fruit, baked goods, potting soil)
2. Tell your neighbor what you have that they are welcome to borrow
3. Ask your neighbor to borrow something you could get at Wal-mart
4. Return what you borrow asap
5. When you borrow and/or return, use the chance to chat
6. Bring up "the borrow" the next time you talk and say thanks again
7. Run out of sugar

Marriage Mondays: Bedroom Boundaries

Do you ever feel like your husband is married to his phone, instead of you? Some people find it hard to disconnect from technology, especially phones, which are convenient enough to stash on a nightstand ... just to charge, of course. Is it hard for you to disconnect from your cell phone? Is it hard for your husband?

Last November, CNN contributor Bob Greene asked,  "Shouldn't we be spending less time checking and rechecking our many screens, large and small, and more time taking part in what used to be regarded as real life?"

Sometimes tech in intimate places causes problems; sometimes tech in intimate places covers up problems.

For a lot of people, distance from phones makes them feel like they might miss something. They're mentally creating status updates while in the midst of a conversation, or feeling the urge to "announce" all life events thru social media. Some spouses fight the urge to roll over and do quick check of Twitter or Facebook when they hear their phone vibrate or see the light of their screen. Have you ever stirred in the night, only to notice a blue glow coming from your spouse's side of the bed? Is it making you angry to fall asleep with Angry Birds? Some couples find the presence of technology in the bedroom interrupts their intimacy or at least stalls it or pours cold water on it.  Let's face it, it's not easy to be uninhibited when hundreds of followers are tweeting their presence.

If "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine..." (Song of Solomon 6:3a) then why invite someone else into our most private space to claim more than the nightstand?  Technology intruders claim our attention, our thoughts, and our affection.

Try these 7 bedroom boundaries

1. Leave all technology devices (phones, laptops, games, etc) out of the bedroom. 
2. Nightstands are off limits for phones ... even if they're just "charging." 
3. Only the 2 of you belong in your bed ... leave the "followers" in the kitchen.
4. If you're struggling with mental tech temptation, tell your spouse.
5. Practice tech rest periods in the day; mutually agree on the "when."
6. Model boundaries for your children; you'll do their spouse a favor.
7. It's only going to get harder to set boundaries; don't wait any longer.

Boundaries guard opportunities for conversation, affection, prayer, and intimacy.  Remove the distractions to your love life and your quality of rest.   After all, you are your beloved's, and he is yours.  Don't share each other with a phone.

What boundaries will help your bedroom be all it can be? You'll sleep better with boundaries, and you'll enjoy your spouse more, too. 

Be sure to stop over to the Mom Initiative today, where I'm posting about 7 Springtime Ingredients for Growing Children.

The overcomer where you live

If garage door openers are neighbor killers, the answer is found at our mailboxes. Some houses have mailboxes in hallways, at community boxes, or at the edge of the road, so it's more efficient for the postal worker. The solution to the garage door opener problem is the mailbox.


It's the nature of our flesh to look out for OUR best. That's why we do what we can to get parked and inside our house as quickly as we can. 37 Seconds is all it takes me. Who wants to struggle with a heavy door, get wet, or have to walk far with groceries? Not this girl. I appreciate a time and labor saving device. You?

"Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor" (1 Cor. 10:24).

To seek the good of our neighbor, do we have to heave the door on our own? Not if you have a mailbox. Taking time to pause at the mailbox provides the perfect opportunity to wave, smile, be seen, or even chat that the garage door opener kills. It leaves room for an opportunity to happen. The mailbox helps us overcome what our efficiency spoils.

How about walking to your mailbox (instead of doing the drive-thru pull up motion), standing there to look through your mail, and then pausing to look around and pray for those living near you ... your Neighbors?  I wonder what might happen if you did.  Could you make yourself stand at your mailbox for 37 seconds? 

It may not win you a prize for efficiency, but that intentional mailbox pause will provide opportunity to seek the good of your neighbor. 

Tomorrow we'll look at Day #2 of the Ready, Set REACH! study designed to help prepare anyone looking to reach out to neighbors where they live or around the world. Next week we'll look at a couple more neighbor killers and how to overcome them. No mail is involved. :)

What else is keeping you from loving your near Neighbor?  I'm going to stand at the mailbox for 37 seconds and think about that ...

37 second Neighbor killer

Neighbor killers are part of everyday life. Are they keeping you from your Neighbors? If you want to figure out Who IS my neighbor? then you need to know.


We have to make contact with our neighbors before we can actively care for them. Trouble is ... those of us who live in "developed"countries have worked really hard at finding ways to avoid that contact. Our quest for efficiency, privacy, and leisure has insulated us and made it easy to stay unattached. After all, contact can be messy. Would you admit to falling into "neighbor avoidance" tactics? It's not pretty, but I admit I have. Most of us haven't developed new skills to make contact in the new normal filled with technology and separated by fences and security systems and photographed by Google street view.

Garage door openers are neighbor killers. I just timed how long it takes me to push the button, wait for the garage door to open, back in, and let the door close again.  37 seconds. The neighbor next door didn't even have time to pull the curtains back. And I did all this without caffeine. This efficient, time saving device crushes contact with Neighbors near us.

Just let the Mission Impossible theme song play in your head as you push, drive, push, and disembark. It feels like an intentional plot to avoid Neighbor contact, but it's really just a sad side effect. If we aren't careful, we move from desiring efficiency to despising our Neighbors. We may hope they don't see us, stop us, or want to talk to us. Our desire to control our time may invite an attitude that despises anyone who could stop us during the 37 seconds it takes to disappear. 

Whoever despises his neighbor is a sinner, but blessed is he who is generous to the poor. Do they not go astray who devise evil? Those who devise good meet steadfast love and faithfulness. (Prov. 14:21-22)

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't have a garage or a door opener or caffeine. I'm saying that being aware of our habits and how they change life with our Neighbors helps us OVERCOME the KILLERS.  Instead of letting our control device (aka garage door opener) call the shots, we can be generous with our time and attention and "devise good" for our Neighbor. The bonus is that we experience God's faithful love when we do good to others, and that's even better than a garage door opener.

Tomorrow I want to encourage you to use something you already have as an overcomer to this menace. After all, when it comes to neighbors and Neighbors, we've been challenged:
"Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor" (1 Cor. 10:24).


Until then, I dare you to time yourself and see how long it takes to disappear inside your house. And if you are blessed not to have a garage, here's permission to be a momentary "creeper" and count while someone else pulls into theirs or just parks and goes inside their house. :) But you'll have to be fast. Phantom Neighbors pull in and disappear before you ever even see their face, know their name, or catch a glimpse of why you should care.

Tomorrow ... the overcomer!

Marriage Mondays: Mockery free marriage

He had just finished his last college final exam, and their car was loaded down to make the trip from Utah to Idaho to see family. Travis knew his wife "was really tired." When he posed a math question to her, his young wife Chelsea became caught in a mental spin cycle she couldn't get out of. She was vulnerable.


For over 4 1/2 minutes, the young husband videotaped his wife's quandary, thinking, "Her family will think this is so funny." To find the video, all you have to Google is "stupid woman." You may be one of the 5.7 million who have watched Chelsea's trauma; the video has gone "viral." Did you think it was funny?



Finally, Chelsea said, "Please stop filming." What do you think those final words revealed about how she was feeling about the "game?"

The answer to that question could've saved Chelsea and Travis a lot of heartache. After Travis posted the video on YouTube, over 5 1/2 million people viewed it, landing the couple on ABC News for a national interview and a public apology from the head hanging husband. No one was laughing.

Marriage is never a platform for mockery. Along with finances, children, and toothpaste, a husband and wife share the keeping of one another's dignity. To mock is to treat someone with contempt or derision, making them appear ridiculous. If the heart of a husband is to trust in his wife (Prov. 31:11) and if a wife is to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33), mockery will leave deep wounds where it slices into the heart and mind of the loved one.

7 Tests for mockery in marriage:

1. Is there only 1 person laughing?
2. Does 1 person look foolish or less valuable?
3. Does 1 spouse feel vulnerable and uncertain?
4. After the teasing, do you feel closer and stronger or distant and weaker?
5. Mocking can be private or public; did 1 person feel the need to be protected?
6. Did 1 person ask (verbally or no-verbally) for the comments to stop?
7. Were both enjoying the exchange or just 1?

Mockery makes one person feel stronger and smarter, while making the other person feel insecure and foolish. We mock if we think of ourselves as more important that our loved one, when we fail to love unselfishly and with consideration. One mocks another in order appear funny, at the expense of the other person, or to feel superior by treating the other person with contempt.

Mockery leads to destruction of both the one crushed and the one who strikes the blows. Jesus was mocked by Herod, the soldiers, and the Jews of His day who counted His life of little value and His claims ridiculous. Just like those who scorned Jesus, husbands and wives who fall into mocking one another need forgiveness and grace to grow to be more like Jesus' example:

"When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.   He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:22-24

Praise God that Jesus wasn't destroyed, but He overcame the mocking so ours could be forgiven. Marriage requires much forgiveness and grace for the moments when our flesh overcomes our spirit and we injure each other. I really pray that this young couple, Travis and Chelsea, can experience forgiveness between them and can rebuild trust.  When one is hurt, both are hurt. 

Let's commit ourselves in a fresh way to being guardians of our spouse's dignity and trust. Let's commit ourselves to mockery free marriages!

Who IS my neighbor?

Aren't you glad that when God talks about our "neighbor," He usually doesn't mean our "Neighbor?" He means anyone we live around and happen to meet. In the developed countries of the world, most of us have reached the place where we're so advanced that we can avoid "happening to meet" our actual Neighbors, and that helps us feel like we're off the hook when it comes to being "neighborly towards Neighbors. We can focus, instead, on that cashier we meet at the store, the guy in the cubicle beside us, or the vendor at the Farmers Market.  

Seriously, it's so much easier to be neighborly to people we don't actually live beside, isn't it?

The warm weather in our region has been bringing the Neighbors out to walk and mow like ants at a picnic. Most of the time, there's about a 20 second window of time to see and greet Neighbors when they pause at the mailbox while the garage door goes up and then they pull in only to be eaten up by the garage door and disappear. It's actually easy to excuse ourselves from reaching neighbors that are our Neighbors for reasons like:

1. They're so busy, and so are we. We just don't have time to know each other.
2. Our life is so full of information; no one wants to add more relationships.
3. In a time of crime and stalkers, how can you trust  people?
4. We don't have front porches anymore, so people don't talk.
5. He wears boxers to the mailbox ... how would I ever approach HIM?
6. Their dog is driving me crazy; I don't want them to think I'm okay with it.
7. I don't know their language; they would probably be uncomfortable.
8. If they would mow their grass every now and then, I would like them more.
9. They travel all the time; when could I catch them at home? 
10. They just pull in and out of their garage, so I don't have a chance to talk to them. 

We might even play the scripture card and say we don't want to have a bad testimony, so we leave our Neighbors alone:   "Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you" (Prov. 25:17) 

Not to minimize the cashier or the cubicle dweller or the farmer, but our Neighbor IS also our neighbor.  I came up with these excuses, because I think I've used a few of them.

"Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense..." (Prov. 11:12a). Maybe by ignoring or neglecting our Neighbors, we belittle them and reveal our own lack or wisdom. I think I've been belittling my Neighbors. Am I the only one? Even Mister Rogers had the wisdom to teach children to ask the questions, "Who are the people in your neighborhood?"  and "Won't you be my neighbor?"

We're not likely to care about or know how to reach the neighbors around us if we don't care about or reach out to the Neighbors beside us. That may mean stepping out of our comfort zone, creating a new normal, and changing the standard we've created in the months of years we've lived in our neighborhood. It might even mean having our kindness rejected or ignored. But we are called to love our neighbors, and that includes our Neighbors.

We're going to take the next weeks to talk about what to do with our Neighbors. I'll still be sharing Marriage Mondays and Tasty Tuesday, but in the middle of the weeks, we'll take a look at learning to love our actual Neighbors. Then on Fridays, I have something I'm excited to invite you to do with me, and I'll take the cover off of that pot this Friday.

Praying you'll make the most of your 20 seconds today or that you'll get out with the other ants for a walk.

• Do you know who lives around you? Their names? 
• How long has it been since you've spoken to your Neighbors? 
• Do you use one of my excuses, or do you have a creative one of your own? ;)

Marriage Mondays: THIS is romantic!

It's been almost 22 years since Jeff and I made our vows to each other in a small stone church full of family and friends.  Romance has changed through the years, and what speaks to our hearts has grown up and seasoned. Today at Chrysalis Cafe, people are sharing about the topic of romance in marriage. There will be talk of foot rubs, candlelight dinners, babysitters, quiet moments, and conversation.  And there should be. But this past Saturday, I was blessed with a sweet expression that spoke "romance" to me. 

Plans had been made for an overnight backpacking trip at the end of the spring break week, but a re-injured ankle put a stop to that. I committed to speak at a women's tea, welcoming a new pastor's wife to the sweet family of ladies at First Baptist Church of Friendsville. Becky had been part of our staff, so it made it extra sweet to go serve with them. They asked me to share about "Becoming a Godly Servant."  Jeff and the kids had the morning together to go for a bike ride while I was gone to talk about being a servant.

That's when it happened. Jo thought to snap a picture for me, to show me the romance happening in the kitchen, though I wasn't even there. Jeff put up the chairs and scrubbed the kitchen floor for me. While Jacob was mowing and Jo was vacuuming, Jeff was on his hands and knees serving me. No candles, no music, no rubbing of feet, not even any "ME" present, but totally romantic. His act of serving spoke volumes of love to me. 


A servant has "this mind" that is "yours in Christ Jesus," and "this mind" is one that "counts others more significant than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3-7). It's the same attitude Jesus had that motivated Him to take on the form of a servant. It gets on the floor to clean, while the one it loves is gone. A servant has a change of thinking:

• YOU instead of ME
• US instead of I
• HIS glory instead of MINE

God is glorified by the romantic action of serving one another. I think He's glorified when Jeff rubs my feet, too, but that one's a little harder to sell. ;)

• How can I serve the one I love so I speak love to him?
• How can you serve your loved one today?

Marriage Mondays: Bottoms Up!

June traditionally has the most weddings, which means we're right on the doorstep of bridal shower season. I got TWELVE glass pitchers as wedding gifts! Isn't it strange that we spend so much time registering for, acquiring, and arranging things to make our "happily ever after" look good on top, but we don't do much to build its foundation? I don't think I've ever seen a single book on a gift list, and no one has EVER asked for $ towards a first marriage retreat. I shudder to think of the ratio of time spent on pre-marital counseling compared to time spent shopping, in showers, registering, and wedding planning. I could do a lot of pouring drinks when I got married, but I don't think I had much of a clue about how to refresh my husband's spirit. Why don't we invest more in the foundations of marriage?

Saturday night Jeff and I were invited over to our friends' home for a cookout. After dinner we toured the "man cave," where our Mr. Friend has just started building a boat (Mrs. Friend is totally supportive, so stay with me). When we opened the door to the shop, I expected to see a frame that said, "Boat." Instead, I saw some odd looking boards and architectural drawings. Closer inspection and lots of questions revealed that you build a boat from the bottom up. In fact, he'll build the bottom and then flip it to build top later. Turns out that the most important part of building a boat is the bottom, even though what we see is everything on top.

Our friends have invited us to come and go on a boat ride ... in 3 years when the boat is done. I'm really glad he's giving so much time and attention to the bottom, because even if a boat looks good on top, a weak bottomed boat is destined to sink. In the same way, a weak bottomed marriage is headed for a rough ride and possible sinking.

Is a wedding or a shower is on your calendar, leading up to the "most married month" of the year, I want to encourage you to give a gift that contributes to a strong bottom in the marriage. And if you feel like it doesn't look very "fun," wrap it in a glass pitcher. :)

Here are a few books I think make great gifts for engaged or newly married couples:


(I am linked as an Amazon affiliate, so if you make a purchase after clicking from Come Have a Peace, I do get a small % to help with blog costs.)

Do you love your shower scum?

Have you ever said, "That's just the way I am"?  I know I have, but those 6 words are packed with meaning like:

• so don't expect me to change
• so when I blow it, don't bother confronting me
• so if I offend you, deal with it
• and I just don't know how to change it
• but I've tried to conquer it, and I feel defeated in that area
• and the Holy Spirit doesn't need to go messin' with that flaw

I've been wearing a new fragrance. It's called "essence of bleach." It started when I decided to try and save a few minutes by cleaning the shower ... AS I shower. I left a bottle of Soft Scrub with Bleach (LOVE that stuff) and a stiff scrub brush in the shower corner. While my conditioner's doing it's thing, I do my cleaning thing.

I thought I would just take care of the clumpy soap bubble build up, because I knew that the stains are exactly that:  stains. I've even blamed them on "those last people" who lived here, were "really dirty," and "didn't clean the shower." I've also blamed it on the shower, saying it was just a cheap piece to begin with. There may be a little truth in both, but when I started my new approach to scrubbing, many of the stains started disappearing.

The flaws were not permanent; they were just ignored.  I had gotten so used to their presence that I thought, "That's just the way it is," but it doesn't have to be. I just needed a new approach to my familiar flaw. I think Paul wanted the Philippians to know that when it comes to dirty stains in our lives, "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Phil. 1:6).  God empowers us to be clean, not to just get comfortable with our scum.

• Do you have a habit you've been making excuses for? 
• Is there an abrasive personality trait you've been expecting others to endure? 
• Have you been accepting something that's offensive to God?

Don't blame it on the people who came before you or the temporary materials you're made of. Those of us in a relationship with Jesus Christ have been made fully clean, and the power of the Holy Spirit can penetrate the deepest stains left behind by our sin.  

Is it time for you to go back and deal with some scum?  Clean is a beautiful fragrance to wear!

College Visit!

Friday we took Jo for a COLLEGE VISIT!  How did this happen? Read about our day over at my post on the Mom Initiative today. Here's a glimpse ...

Inside the dorms, our guide was kind (bold? crazy?) enough to show us several rooms where it looked like the Rapture had taken place. Books, guitars, clothes, pizza pans, and shoes littered the floors and beds. There wasn’t a single suitcase or student in the dorms; they were gone. To where? Home? Daytona Beach? Mission trips?  Wherever their destination, the journey is one of growing independence and decision making. It’s a time of learning how the path we choose determines our destination. I doubt any of the young adults who ate the pizza from the dirty pan were thinking about that when they made their escape, but I’m a MOM. It’s what we do...  

Read the rest of  Packing a Young Person's Heart. 

Marriage Mondays: 7 Neighbor Fences

Did you know there's more than one commandment about marriage? We all know the adultery one, but how about the "Love your neighbor as yourself" one? How do you love your married neighbor?

The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.   Romans 13:9-10

Single or married, everyday we women live around people who are married. Some of our "neighbors" are married men = someone else's husband. Some of our neighbors are married women. I love this version (NIV) that says "Love does no harm to a neighbor." We can harm our neighbor if we aren't careful about our conduct. We can "steal" the affections and loyalty of a man for his wife, and we can rob others of the oneness they experience. If we're married, the neighbor that's closest to home (a.k.a. our husband) can be wronged by the disrespect and careless behavior of a wife who isn't watching how she walks around others. Husbands and wives are mixing in new ways, as more and more neighborhoods are sprinkled with stay-at-home dads who have entered the "Mom's world," and more women are walking the corridors of the workplace. "Loving your married neighbor" is tricky when genders do life together, side by side.

ABC news reports that more and more men are starting "to embrace the role of Mr. Mom" as a result of the recent economic roller coaster. The U.S. Census Bureau also agrees that the number of dads who have gone from being the primary breadwinner to the primary caregiver at home has grown. As men swap traditional places with their wives, they've also faced some of the isolation that stay-at-home moms have known. Dads have started turning up at "Parents' Day Out," library groups, play groups, and even ... Target! One mom shared with me that a stay-at-home neighbor dad reached out to her and her kids for play dates and companionship, but she was confused when the daytime friendship started to feel like something more than familiar girlfriend  bonding. Feelings of friendship can gradually change into feelings that are not truly loving or godly. She was starting to "love her neighbor" in a wrong way.

Now that more dads are in daytime/play group circulation, how can we love "neighbor man" and "neighbor lady" well? 

Whether we're in the office, at a play group, or posting a status on Facebook, God calls us to love our neighbors His way. Economy and work style don't change the standard. Use wisdom with your "neighbor" friends, whether they are a husband staying home or a wife over the fence.

7 Fences to Love Your Neighbor Well:

1. keep daytime chats to public locations out in the open
2. keep play dates and activities group events, instead of paired parent events
3. keep your spouse informed about and involved in your daytime friendships
4. keep your testimony and your family reputation in mind
5. keep your spouse's trust your priority
6. keep love for your neighbor the standard, whether it's purity towards a man or honor towards a woman
7. keep your womanly friendships growing & engaged in accountability

As roles change, let's not fall asleep at the marriage wheel. With God's help, we can love our neighbor man and neighbor lady, whether it's in an office or across the sidewalk.

• Have you or someone you know had to do a role switch as a result of the economy?
• What boundaries work for you for the men in your work environment? (home OR office?)

Discoveries, Dangers, & Deficits of Teen Yrs

This weekend we'll be pushing our clocks forward an hour, and that means Spring Break is right around the corner. Woohoo!  Someone should tell the daffodils and the chives in my garden that they shouldn't be popping up yet! They were a little anxious. The front of our neighborhood is lined with Bradford Pear trees in full bloom. I think it's safe to count the days to Spring Break!


Having teenagers or college students gives a whole new meaning to the words "Spring Break." The teen years are unique in every culture. National Geographic magazine's cover story in October 2011 was all about the science of the teenage brain, because people around the world would love to know the mysteries of this wonderful and difficult time of life. I for one wouldn't want to relive my teen years, though ... you? The National Geographic article rightly says that, "Culture clearly shapes adolescence .. yet culture does not create adolescence" (p. 55).

Ecclesiastes speaks wise words to those navigating these years, saying, "Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment" (Eccl. 11:9).  

That's where the challenge comes in for young adults, learning that choices determine consequences. Which takes us back to Spring Break ...

I want to invite you over to the Mom Initiative today, where I'm posting about Parenting Teens Thru Spring Break. Even if your teens aren't headed to Disney or Daytona for a Spring Break break (and they're in good company with my 2 kiddos), you'll be encouraged by these ideas for how to steer our young people through the discoveries, the dangers, and the deficits of the wonderful-awful teen years. 

Read Parenting Teens Thru Spring Break here.

Know someone with a teen? Pass on this post for some encouragement!

Marriage Mondays: Are you a doormat?

Are you worried that if you put your husband's needs above your own, you'll someday look up and realize you're a doormat? The United States exports ideas to other cultures, and our thoughts about women are sweeping the rising culture of India where 1.2 billion people live. During our Global Impact Conference last week, one of our partners from India shared with me about the trend among young Indian women who embrace the image of power, assertiveness, and independence. In a country dealing with poverty and human rights, a new generation of women wants to be sure they do not become the doormats of the future. Does God ever say He values the "doormat" quality of a woman?

For our Conference, we hosted a couple from Thailand last week, and since their diet is very different from ours, we try to help them feel at home. That meant noodles for breakfast. :) We love them so much. One morning my sweet friend prepared breakfast for her husband as he worked, concentrating on heavy correspondence he was receiving from home. His mind was clearly far away, though his wife quietly put all of the food in front of them at the table. He didn't stop. She waited. He thought. She waited. His brow furrowed. She waited.

I watched and thought ... "I would be eating by now. Maybe he likes cold noodles, BUT I DON'T!"

She waited. Finally, he closed his work, and the two of them bowed together and prayed before they ate ... together. I told myself it was cultural. I told myself she didn't have to wait for him. I told myself he could've paid attention to her while the noodles were hot. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I should, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3). Sometimes that means patiently waiting out of honor, even if your noodles get a little cold.

My beautiful friend is not a doormat; she is such a strong woman of God who practices and exhibits her great strength by choosing to yield her rights and lift up her husband. Her man is a bold and mighty leader of his tribe, and I know that her willingness to honor him has added to his effectiveness, reputation, and joy.

God tells women today that He considers a gentle and quiet spirit to be beautiful (1 Peter 3:3-5). He's not referring to our volume at all, but referring to a heart attitude that yields, a humble spirit that counts others as more important than ourselves. Sadly, women in the 1.2 billion people of India aren't getting that message from the United States; all women around the world need to know God's timeless message of beauty. They need to know that there is honor in yielding.

"For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands" (1 Peter 3:5).  Be relieved that God isn't painting a picture of a doormat. He is painting the picture of strong women with beautiful, humble hearts.

• When you have the chance to yield to or wait on your husband, what are you most likely to do? 
• How do you think your husband would feel if you counted him as more significant than yourself?

A taste of the world!

Cooking is far from the usual in my kitchen this week, while we host our Global Missions Conference. My friend from Thailand showed me how to make an awesome stir-fry! I stocked up on quick lunch components to send off with the kids, since I know life is a bit crazy around here this week.



Last night we had all of the missionaries to our home for dinner. After an "American style" meal, two of our couples made us their national drinks: Cocido from Paraguay and Chai from India. The kitchen was busy with spices and strainers and dry tea mixes and couples doing what is universal ... trying to work together miraculously as one! The result was delicious, and we all enjoyed sampling the culture.

Jacob enjoying Terere with little MK Jordan 

We finished the evening with a time of prayer, shared in five different languages. It's amazing that God understands every tribe and tongue and extends His love to all of us. His heart for the world is not limited. The sound of voices lifting praise in the languages of people of the world ... beautiful.

It's a full and wonderful week here for us. We appreciate your prayers, and I'll look forward to sharing more with you!

Marriage Mondays: 50 golden years!

The U.S. Census reports that almost 1/3 of all American adults never get married. I'm in a rare group of American "children" - Last week my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary! That doesn't happen much anymore. From deep in the mountains where the roads are black satin ribbons in and out of the hollows, God brought my mom to where she met my dad, just outside of the Nation's capital. What a journey they've had in their 50 years. By reaching their golden anniversary, they pass on a rare legacy to me.

"According to the census statistics, more than half of the nation’s married couples have been together at least 15 years. About a third have marked their 25th anniversaries, and 6 percent have been married more than 50 years" (Washington Post, May 2011).

Today, fewer adults marry at all, and of those who do marry, they're usually older when they take the plunge. Let's face it, for two to become one as husband and wife, a real miracle has to happen. Marriage will not be without conflict, misunderstanding, and hardship. At a lot of those "crisis points," marriages fall apart; in working with married couples, Jeff and I have found that couples face unique pressure points at years 7 and 14. God doesn't want any of us to be stuck in loveless marriages. He wants to change our loveless marriages into miracles. The rewards of getting through the hard times are so sweet.

“But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:10

Only 6% of all couples in the US today will get to the "50 mark."  Not many of us hang in there long enough to "come forth as gold" in marriage.  If you're in the midst of some of the squeeze of married life, are you committed to persevering?


Have you thought about what you want your relationship to be like at 50 years? In honor of my parents' 50th, take a moment and fill in the thoughts below, in anticipation of reaching your golden anniversary!

When we have been married 50 years, I hope we'll look back and see that
__________________________________________________.  I want us to know we used our lives together to _______________________________________________________.  I hope we'll know what it's like to _____________________________________________________ since we persevered in marriage. When we face the hardships that will come, I will look ahead to the _____________________________________________________ that we'll experience when we reach our golden anniversary. I want our oneness to leave a legacy that is _____________________________.

Happy anniversary to my golden mom and dad! And happy anniversary, sweet readers, in anticipation of being among those who persevere long enough to know the sweetness of being "rare!"

7 Days in a Cafe ~ Day 6: People of the World

Tonight we're picking up partners from Thailand who will be staying with us, and then our Global Missions Conference gets underway. It will be a week with a full schedule that will leave us with full hearts. Maybe my mind was already "here," but this Day in a Cafe seemed well timed ... even divinely timed. We appreciate your prayers for a sweet week considering the People of the World. 

We were kind of tired from a lot of serving and needed to get away to a quiet, secluded place to rest. Along the way, we found a new coffee shop. At the counter, a woman without a smile met us and took our orders. She asked if my coffee was to stay or to go, but she answered that it didn’t matter before I could say I wanted to stay. We ordered a Divine Bar to share, and she tried to give us the corner piece with a chunk missing. She makes me want to call this one a “store,” instead of a “café.” There’s a difference.

Out of the four rooms with wide oak trimmed doors, we picked a small table in a corner; the high stools gave a good view of the store. Except for the man with many papers, the rest of the store was full of couples. Maybe they felt less intimidated by the smile-less woman if they come in pairs.

The couple facing the door seems to be an interesting mix. She has long straight hair in the kind of scrunchy my kids tell me people wore in the 80’s. Her friend has a baseball hat and hip black glasses that make me wonder if he’s the special music tonight. They got mugs from the woman at the counter.

Not too far from the mismatched pair, a perfectly matched couple shares a single chair, piled on like a two scoop ice cream cone. I don’t even think they have coffee. They don’t act like they know they’re in a “store.”
Two women with a baby sit under the mantel, chatting like people who practice talking softly while a baby sleeps. From my view two other women pairs are deep in conversation. One twosome both have night black hair and slanted eyes, and they talk fast and close in a language different from any other in the store. Maybe they made the counter woman grouchy. Glasses and cups fill the table in front of them, like they want to settle in and stay for a while.

On the other side of the wall from the jabbering friends sits two women with salt and caramel colored hair, and they talk close but loud, in the language we know. While we share our Divine Bar, one lady shares all about her upcoming trip to faraway places. She feels a total confidence about traveling and gaining an understanding of foreign people, and she found a white head scarf at TJ Maxx, so that makes her feel like she’s “meant” to go on this journey of discovery. She knows she’s meant to experience the people of the world. Her girlfriend is excited for her and thinks “That’s great” a lot; they’re talking pretty loud. I don’t think they know there are “people of the world” on the other side of the wall from them, right here in this store. 

Come to think of it, the two scoop couple in the single chair is rather foreign acting. The baby with the ladies is jabbering in its language, and the man with the papers is definitely studying something. To be honest, the smile-less counter woman doesn’t seem like she fits in here at all; maybe she’s from a different place too. This store is FILLED with people of the world. The woman about to take a trip could start right here, and she wouldn’t even have to wear her head scarf from TJ Maxx. 

Jesus once went away to a secluded place with his disciples. They had been so busy with people they didn’t even have time to eat, so they needed a little “café time.” The crowds from many different places saw them leaving and followed them. Instead of blurting out, “For crying out loud, I’m trying to have a quiet and a cup of coffee,” Jesus acted so differently. “When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and He felt compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and He began to teach them many things” (Mark 6:34). When Jesus saw the people of the world He felt compassion for them. 


I’m not always like Jesus, especially when I haven’t eaten and I just want to find a secluded place. I should’ve smiled at the counter woman when she gave me the paper cup. I don’t have a white head scarf, and I’m not going to the same “so great” place that the caramel headed lady is, but I’m going to my life and to another café another day. I tossed away my empty cup and noticed everyone else in the café crowd had settled in with their ceramic mugs, these people of the world.

• Would you be willing to ask God to show you the "People of the world" around you? 
• And would you ask Him to give you the kind of compassion He has for them?

7 Days in a Cafe ~ Day FIVE: Watered Down

I’m not here because their coffee is one of my favorites. It always tastes like they watered it down to take away the bite. But it offers one of my favorite views: the Downtown Grind, in a building called the Phoenix. There’s a lone worker here, and she moves back and forth from the coffee shop side to the dry cleaner pick up side. No one else is here, and I’ll be surprised if anyone else comes in, but many will go by.

I’m wrong. A man with a Civil War style vest and a beard to go with it comes in and orders a medium coffee, with very good manners I might add. He doesn’t sit down. That’s probably because the Downtown Grind puts on “to go” lids so people can keep moving. I took the lid off of my cup, because I plan to sit and watch and listen. From this window framed year ‘round by white Christmas lights, I see the world pass.

A man with a long backpack walks past the untitled store across the street; it’s decorated with lottery posters saying “Play Here.” He didn’t follow the neon light inside like a bug would, but I wonder if he has before, since he’s wearing bare feet and sandals on a day when people took their scarves and pea coats out. He looks like he would like to find a place to sit called “the Phoenix,” but watching the world would just be a bonus.

A long brown coat walks by with a man inside, and I recognize him as a local reporter who writes about people. A sweatshirt with a man in it walks by, and he looks strangely like the bearded, vested man; with so much variety outside of this window, how do we end up being so much the same? The sweatshirt carries a camera, and I wonder who and what he wants to capture. If he hurries he might catch the bare footed man. If he waits long enough, he might see the smiling Asian lady with pony tails, pushing her cart down the stage in front of me. He might see the tall, dark corner-dancing man who sometimes wears slippers and totes a brown furry puppy backpack.

A police officer walks by, and his flapping ticket pad catches my eye. It makes me feel like I should move my car, even though I’m not parked illegally. People think it’s hard to park here, but that’s just because their understanding of the downtown grind is watered down. It’s not hard to park, but someone with a puppy backpack might stand on the corner near your car.

Jesus wants us to know how much He wants us to resist hanging up lights to make ourselves feel better about the view. He said that, “whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matt. 25:40). Lots of the least pass by this tall window in the Phoenix.

A man outside the window now walks by with a slow and rhythmic pace, like he’s going to be walking all day. He’s got a pack on his back and a duffel bag around his chest, and he’s talking to himself, because no one else is with him. If he sits down with his backpack and duffel, the pad toting policeman will tell him to move. If he had a cup from the Downtown Grind, he might be allowed to sit at one of their tables …. even though it is too cold for bare feet. The herd of business people who just passed could stop wherever they want or sit wherever they want, because they don’t do things like where pony tails or go out without socks in February.
I wonder if the lady who passes between pressed shirts and pressed coffees all day sees the world passing or if it’s just become wallpaper in her day, like her watered down coffee. Do I see the world passing when I’m not looking out of a big window framed by Christmas lights? What’s in the wallpaper around me? Who’s in the wallpaper?

Maybe I’m alone in this Downtown Grind because this window’s view isn’t always pleasant; maybe there are Christmas lights because it waters down the scene. People feel uncomfortable with ugliness, so it’s our instinct not to go or look there, not to leave the window unframed. If all else fails we might water it down. That way, there’s not a lot of bite.

The lady in pony tails walks by, and I feel like I know her. She’s walking faster than usual, probably because it’s cold. It’s going to get colder tonight and tomorrow and the next day, and there’s no way to water that down.

Do you see the least from the window where you sit?