Sunday, May 9, 2010

Marriage Mondays ~ Not My Hubby's Mother

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! I spent the last couple posts reflecting on Mothering Others and sharing Gifts to Embrace as guest writer at The Well. But before we get too far from Mothers Day, can I just say ... "I am not my husband's mother!" And you aren't yours either.

Now before you think I'm heading down the "mother in law " trail with today's post, I'm not, but some gals out there may be a tad confused after yesterday, especially if their husband honored them on Mothers Day. My sweet hubby made sure that, though he is continents away, I had a beautiful corsage to wear for church = major "sweet man" points!!! Good for the dads that lead the way, set the example, and help honor moms on Mothers Day! But even though a husband may help with plans or put up the cash for giftage, we have to remember IT ISN'T BECAUSE WE ARE HIS MOTHER. :)

So if we know we aren't his MOTHER, why is it we sometimes have a tendency to fall into the mothering trap? We may hear ourselves scolding, reminding, cautioning, or commanding our man ... some of the "firm mother" things a gal has to do when wrangling little pagans into shape, but not "loving wife" things a gal should do when her husband signed on for a lover, a partner, and a helper ... not another mother. He had one of those, and he didn't pick me to be the younger version.

In 1 Corinthians 7 a wife is told not to separate from her husband, that her body is his, that his body is hers, and that they should not divorce. Ephesians 5 tells us the head of the wife is her husband and that she is to yield to his leadership. 1 Peter 3 tells us the wife is a partner to her husband, like Sarah was to Abraham. These roles and this oneness form a totally different picture from that of a mother and son, where he is told to leave his parents in order to be available and free to cling to his wife. A wise son is one who is described as one who obeys and honors what his father and mother tell him, never saying either of them are to yield in return to their son. There is no doubt here: A wife is NOT her husband's mother.

Something strange happens to a 13 yr old-ish boy (I am living it as it unfolds before my eyes). He stops appreciating his mother saying things like, "Be careful with that. Oh, don't hurt yourself - it's sharp. Wait honey ... come back here ... do you and the other boys need jackets?" :/ He also stops appreciating her wiping his face in public, fixing his hair, and picking fuzz off of his shirts. (Sorry Jake) It's God's way of growing men from boys by fanning the flame of independence and strengthening their confidence to lead and provide. Moms have to step back and let their boys become the men God always intended they would. And then they choose a wife AND SHE TRIES TO MOTHER HIM AGAIN!?!?!?!? :) Why do we that? Is it just me? Or is it just because it really takes thought and effort and discipline to care for my husband in a way that makes him feel like I'm a partner who respects him, instead of like he's just another little person I am wrangling into shape to meet my expectations? It's a fine line, isn't it? A husband wants to be cared for by his wife, but in a different way from his mother. It usually doesn't take a wife long, if she's paying attention, to figure out what "those things" are that make her man feel like he is being "mothered" instead of "wifed." :) (That's a new marriage word I just made up.)

I am not my husband's mother. I am freed from that role in his life to be the partner, helper, lover, woman that he sought out and wants and needs me to be. And he's old enough to know when he needs a jacket. ;)

So do you find yourself feeling the urge to mother your man? I dare you ... ask him if he would rather have you mother him or romance him. We can't do both. I'm praying for those who read Marriage Mondays today, that God will give us more desire to be the WIFE our husband longs for.

If you write a post encouraging others with God's perspective on marriage, feel free to join the Mcklinky below and be polite by mentioning this host site and linking to Marriage Mondays, so readers can find more encouragement.

6 COMMENTS ~ Click here to leave a COMMENT: said...

Great Post Julie! I completely agree with favorite part:

"So do you find yourself feeling the urge to mother your man? I dare you ... ask him if he would rather have you mother him or romance him. We can't do both."

Funny, our posts today are coincidentally very similar. Thanks again for another great Marriage Monday!

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

So true...I am a mother of five boys, three in adulthood, one of which is married, so I noticed the change as I parented my sons. We just had this conversation about not being my husband's mother the other day...and that is after almost 30 years of marriage. The conversation was between my husband and I...we have to continue to remind ourselves, while we are still mothering our children and not our husband.

Teri Lynne Underwood said...

Love this post, Julie! As a list-making, schedule-creating person married to an "It will all get done, don't worry" person ... I have to be REALLY careful in this area. The main lesson I've learned is this, "I don't ever have to answer for how he does his job." What freedom there is in understanding that!! :)

Kristi Stephens said...

"ask him if he would rather have you mother him or romance him. We can't do both."

OH - so well said!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts for the day said...

I have always told my husband, "please don't do anything for me on Mother's day.I am not your mother, let our children do something for me."
This last Saturday we had his mothers memorial service so this was his first without her. Later he took me out for lunch as a 'reminder that I am the mother of his children'.
I think it is a OVER done holiday. Every day is mother's day if you are a mom. Especially a mom to little ones.
God bless the young mom's who work intensely to make 'homes that are peaceful.' I am a grandma now, and our home welcomes 6 little ones.
I think it is really important to remember that 'our husbands' need wives who care for them not mom's who smother them.
From an older wiser mom.

Julie@comehaveapeace said...

Thanks "older wiser" mom. ;) I love hearing your perspective, and it's so true that husbands need/want wives who care for/don't smother. Thank you!